The Diary
by TheKatInTheShade
Summary: Kurosaki was staring at me again. That kid needs a punch in the vagina. Rating M.
1. Prologue

**Prologue**

It's a Saturday in the middle of February.

It's also cold and grey and the grass is damp, but Grimmjow doesn't care; sitting on the muddy slope and drawing his knees up to his chin, getting comfortable, as if getting a wet bum doesn't apply to him.

He is, after all, Grimmjow jeagerjaques. He is to hardcore to get a muddy bottom.

Or perhaps Grimmjow is not revelling in his own inhumane ability to avoid the elements and is simply distracted.

Maybe, his thoughts are so disconnected from his body in that moment, that he doesn't even register the cold temperature and dampness as he sits.

He wants to go home.

Back to the house he shared with his Mother and Father before shit got complicated and he had to move house, school, his life - to Karakura. He hates it here. The smell, the look of the place, it's all so different. He doesn't like it one bit.

He hates the flat they moved into. It will never be home. Never. He feels more comfortable sat on the muddy bank, unconsciously shivering from the cold, than in his own bed, or sat at his own table.

They moved six days before Christmas, Grimmjow and his mother, leaving his father behind in a rusted tin.

They buried him illegally in a patch of dead daffodils in the grounds of the church where they used to live. A part of Grimmjow wished he could have cried; if only for the sake of his mother who looked at him as if he had no heart. Grimmjow thought that was unfair. He did have a heart. He loved her, didn't he? He loved his mother. Even when she was... not completely herself.

Grimmjow spent Christmas locked in his bedroom, emptying the cardboard boxes they had moved with, and trying to make his things fit into his new room.

He started school after the holidays.

Saying Grimmjow sort of liked his old school is probably sugar coating it and so he had very low expectations for this new school. He'd noticed the kids his age, hanging around the park, or walking into town, and he hated what he saw.

Posh, middle and upper-class fuckers, the lot of them.

Grimmjow scowls at the memory of wearing the stupid school uniform for the first time and being forced to blend in and be like everyone else. Teachers still shook their heads disapprovingly at his hair, an outrageously, unnatural blue. But he'd come prepared this time. He made his mother ring school and prove it was his real hair; he even brought in a baby picture of him with blue tufts.

But the teachers, _everyone_, still looked at him with disapproving eyes. Like he was some sort of oddity. Some sort of freak.

Freak.

That word stings a little, but Grimmjow sighs and closes his eyes thinking, _but I've been through so much worse._

However, Grimmjow doesn't dwell on the past or the hurt because if he did, he thinks he would never move forwards. Quite mature thinking, really.

Grimmjow is like that, though; unexpectedly grown up and quietly caring. In his own unique way, of course.

He doesn't believe in holding grudges or dragging out arguments or bringing up stuff that happened years ago.

He believes in the here and now.

Even if he's homesick, even if he has no friends, even if everything just fucking _sucks_.

_**I'm supposed to be trying to get some A-Levels right now but this story has bugged me enough! Take it! Just take it! Ahh Grimmjow, just leave me alone...!**_

_**Ohh, so many loose ends! Review. I love you.**_


	2. Week 1

Chapter 1

**Sunday 13th February.**

Got in trouble on Friday. Head butted Nnoitra. Fucking prick. Lameass school therapist told me to write some shit down. Called it a Diary. Fuck off. This isn't a diary. Diary's are for fuckwits.

**Monday 14th February.**

Mum had a bad day today. Cried a bit about dad. I just sat there and watched the tears fall. What else can I do?

Which bright shit created Valentine 's Day anyway? Asshole if ever I saw one.

I punched Kurosaki. He kept glaring at me. Creepy fag.

**Wednesday 16th February.**

Didn't go to school.

I hate school.

I broke my fingers when I was little. I hold a pen like a spaz. So when the teacher asked me to write my name on the board during my introduction on my first day, the stupid bitch couldn't read my writing.

"Grinnnn... jou... Jeegerjapes?"

Dyke. But everyone laughed.

It didn't make sense. I wasn't sure what they were laughing at. My writing? Her retarded reading? Me?

_Were they laughing at me?_

I felt like I was back in primary school. I used to wet the bed back then and dad drank a lot.

I felt sick. Nauseous. A little bit crazy.

So I flipped the skanks desk over and screamed myself stupid. Broke some other stuff. People stopped laughing then.

Ha. Fucking cunts.

I was suspended on my first day. They let me back once they found out my dad had just died. He's more useful to me dead.

This way I have an excuse for the way I am.

**Thursday 17th February.**

Kurosaki was staring at me again. That kid needs a punch in the vagina.

**Friday 18th February.**

Today I tried to bail from school. It was just after lunch. We had PE. Zaraki-sensei caught me.

He's actually not the prick I thought he'd be. I know he could have been a right cocksucker about me trying to skive and not bringing any kit. He gave me a half-decent pair of trainers (which he won't be getting back) and some joggers. He even let me sit on the benches for the whole hour just because I said I didn't feel like joining in.

But before that some freaky shit happened. I was getting changed into the clothes Zaraki left for me when I noticed Kurosaki getting changed in a rush as well.

I think he's is a fag. He looks so girly all the time. His eyelashes are really long like a fucking chicks. And when I've fought him in the past, he even _smells_ like a women. Like strawberries or some shit.

There are rumours too.

He's fucking Nnoitra or something weird like that.

Kurosaki being gay made me feel nervous. I kept an eye on him to make sure he didn't check me out as I got changed. I'm wasn't afraid to rip his dick off if he did. Fucker.

I noticed he had nice skin. Freckles too. A tan.

When he turned around I was surprised he didn't have fucking tits.

Then I saw the bruises, on his hips, the tops of his arms. Like someone gripped him too hard. I felt like laughing. Kurosaki likes it rough, maybe?

But there was something off about him. His eyes were downcast. He looked tired. It wasn't sex-tired either, it was bone tired. Like he'd had enough.

He caught my eye, and we both froze. I wasn't sure whether to attack him or not.

He inclined his head slightly, and nodded at me. I grunted in response, and he left the changing rooms.

I think I remember something from my first day at this school.

People sniggering behind their hands. The teacher trying not to laugh as I went red.

And a kid at the back of the class, glaring out of the window with his arms folded, stubornly refusing to join in.

**Saturday 19th February.**

Mum had another meltdown.

They said she was getting better but I stopped believing what the doctors tell me a long time ago. I ended up holding her down as she screamed and cried.

I hid the knives and carried her to bed. Gave her some Prozac.

Going to sleep now. Fucking headache.

**Sunday 20th February.**

Dreamt about Kurosaki. He bought me some strawberries and tried to kiss me.

Fucking weirdo.


	3. Week 2

**Wednesday 23rd February.**

Three days since I last wrote in this piece of shit. So what? I don't owe anyone anything. I don't have to write crap down if I don't feel like it.

Mum's been feeling ill so I've been trying to make omelettes. Dad used to say they made you feel really full up, so this way I can get away with hardly any cooking.

Haven't been to school much this week. Decided to try and tidy the flat up a bit. We're not poor and our apartment is ok. Two small bedrooms, another tiny bedroom full of boxes, a living room just big enough for a sofa, a slightly larger kitchen and a pretty decent bathroom.

I went to the shop earlier for some vegetables. I stood around outside for a bit and got some old guy to buy me a pack of fags too. I was just about to light one when guess who I ran into?

Go on. Guess.

It was Kurosaki. He stumbled right into me. Fuckwit. He took one look at me and scowled. "Watch where you're going, fucker." I told him. He just carried on scowling and brushed past me into the shop.

I finished my cigarette and watched him buy a pack of gum and a bottle of coke. Boring.

He was limping slightly. Why does everything he do irritate the shit out of me?

When I saw him coming out of the shop, popping a piece of gum into his mouth, the coke bottle under his arm, I asked him who he'd been fighting.

He turned to me and I saw his eyebrows shoot up into his hair. He looked surprised that I'd even spoken to him. I repeated myself, trying to ignore his retard moment.

"No one." Kurosaki replied a moment later, sounding confused. I frowned.

"Those bruises just come from nowhere, then?" I said, pointing to pretty fucking obvious purple-yellow marks poking out from his sleeve.

"Oh." Was all he said. He rubbed the bruises and looked at me nervously.

Then I said something really fucking weird. I'm gonna write it down and highlight it with yellow pen. If there are many more moments like this them I think I'm gonna end up in a mental hospital

"_**You need any help?"**_

I asked Kurosaki if he needed help. _I offered my help to him._ Why the _fuck_ would I do that? He's a faggot!

What a weird day.

He must have realised that this was weird behaviour coz he quickly brushed me off and walked away. Then he stopped, turned and offered me the smallest of smiles.

"Thanks." He said.

Creep.

**Thursday 24th February.**

I thought Zaraki was gonna break my neck today. He dragged me into his office by my elbow.

"Where you been all week?" He growled. It surprised me. Does he care? I scowled at him thinking he must be trying to get me into trouble. All the other teachers do. "Well?" He boomed at me.

But.

He didn't seem angry, _exactly_. His leg was bouncing up and down and he was glaring at me with his one good eye. He seemed on edge. Nervous.

Concerned?

"Mum was ill." I said simply. Zaraki grunted.

"She alright now?" He asked.

"A bit." I confessed. "But it's not liked I want to come to school either." I muttered under my breath. Zaraki heard me.

"You don't like school?" He asked me, relaxing a bit against his chair.

"No." I scoffed. That's a stupid question. Who the fuck likes school? Smart people and homos, that's who. And I'm neither. I always struggle with learning stuff, but it's not like anyone tries to help me either.

"You get sent out of class a lot?" Zaraki asked suddenly, out of the blue. I nodded. He grunted again and rubed his chin. After a moment he spoke.

"I'll chat to your teachers." My jaw droped. "Instead of being sent out into the hallway where you're not learning anything, come to the PE block and I'll fix you something useful to do."

I raised my eyebrows. I like the hallway. It means no one watches me and I can sneak home. But Zaraki-Sensei was being pretty nice to me. I remembered the new trainers he never asked for me to give back.

"Ok." I told him, surprising myself.

**Friday 25th Ferbruary.**

There was a carton of apple juice on my desk today.

APPLE JUICE!

Please understand. Apple juice is sacred to me. It is vital to my existence. It's way better than a massage or even some lemon sorbet *froths at mouth*. Just hook me up to an IV drip full of apple juice and leave me alone.

It's so sweet and tasty. Like milk from the tit of God. Delicious.

I wasn't sure if it was for me at first. I picked it up and looked around the room, but no one was looking at me or paying much attention. I pressed it to my cheek. Still cold. The little foil seal hadn't been broken either. My mouth began to water.

Then I saw Kurosaki looking at me with a half-smile, but when he realise I'd noticed him, he went red and turned away.

I had half a mind to stalk over to him and ram the carton up his ass but… _apple juice_….

So I drank it.

And when I finished, the thought of Kurosaki didn't annoy me quite so much as before.


	4. Week 3

**Monday 28th February.**

What a shit end to a shit month. I've been bugged all weekend by the whole apple juice thing. I wonder what Kurosaki meant by it. I REALLY hope he doesnt fancy me beause that would mean he'd probably want bum sex and I dont even like cock so why am I even writting this?

**Wednesday 2nd March.**

Dear diary, today I picked at this really huge spot, right on my jaw. Its all red and scabby now. Yeah, writing everything down is _totally_ helping me deal with life. Fuck you.

**Thursday 3rd March, about half four in the morning...**

Had a weird dream about dad.

In my dream I found some pears growing on a tree in the churchyard where we buried dad. I picked them. Then dad crawled out of his scabby tin box and offered to cut them up for me and we ate them together. He chatted to me about school and mum and normal things.

Then he took the knife he used for the pears and stabbed me in the eye. I didn't scream or cry or anything; it didnt't hurt like that. I just knelt there, bleeding all over myself.

Then I woke up. Sweating. Cold. Hot. Sick.

I don't miss him, exactly. Its more complicated than that. But theres no doubt that dad had a way with mum; he could calm her down with a few words or a single look.

I don't know if he was actually good for her or if she was just scared of him.

**Saturday 5th March.**

Mum was up and about today - acting pretty normal for once in her sorry life. She made some bacon and eggs and stuff for breakfast and whilst she did forget to turn one of the cooker hobs off, I spotted it before we both died in a gas explosion; no harm done, right?

It's the weekend and when I told her I was going into town for the afternoon, mum made me some banana sandwhiches.

I frowned.

Banana sandwiches are something which I grew out of years ago. Mum used to make them for me when I was little. I hadn't thought about them in years so when she pressed a foil packet into my hands, I felt pretty weirded out.

I ate them on the way to town.

The whole reason that I decided to go was that I wanted to explore, maybe buy some new clothes.

Most of my stuff is from second hand shops, or just really old, or even just clothes that I've kept for years that I can still get some wear out of. I know I sound like some sort of scruffy, piky, gypsy person, but explain to me the point of paying £30 for a pair of jeans from topman when fashion is just recycled anyway and I can probably find cooler jeans if I look really hard in a charity shop or somewhere unusual.

I havent really had much of a chance to explore the shops in Karakura much, so I just wondered around, trying to get my bearings. All the normal highstreet names screamed out at but I ignored them.

I took a random turning down a sidestreet and wondered about some more, finding a weird Rastafarian bar, where some old men sat outside eating curry, and a fucking gemstone of a music store, where they sold vinyles and all sort of interesting shit.

After about an hour of mooching about (I got lost), I even found a second hand clothes shop called _Shinigami_ who said they supported an independant charity. I found LOADS of cool stuff in there and the guy behind the counter went on about how he used to live in Dubai and he even had a 69 tattoo on his fucking face! I was pretty much in heaven.

Then some seriously freaky shit happened.

I had just bought some jeans and shirts and this amazing jacket with Sexta (whatever that means) embossed on the front breast pocket, when fucking 69'er, ex-Dubai inhabitant, till-guy tells me theres even more shit upstairs!

I had an aneurism, ran up the stairs, then shit myself; not because of what I found, but because of who I nearly ran into.

"What the fuck are you doing here?" I nearly screamed.

But Kurosaki was looking about as shocked as I felt. I looked at his hands and saw some gray jeans like the ones in the shop window (that I drooled over for about 20 minutes) and I had to fight the urge to snatch them off him.

"You're shopping." I said stupidly

"Yeah." He spoke slowly, like he was testing the waters; waiting to see if I would start screaming at him again.

For some reason this made me feel bad. I'm not some sort of lunatic who's about to start throttling people.

Ok, maybe I am, but that's not the point.

"Err. I saw those in the shop window." I said; feeling retarded as I gestured to the grey jeans in his hands.

"We'll you can't have them." Kurosaki blurts, suddenly going all protective of his faggy jeans.

"I was trying to compliment you, you fucker. You have good taste." I felt myself smirking at him as he suddenly went bright red.

However, instead of freaking out at his girly reaction and punching him in the face, his whole demeanour just made me want to laugh at him. He looked so embarrassed and sulky and... and...

No, I'm not writing that.

_Anyway_.

Kurosaki mutters darkly, scowls and goes slowly more pink before shuffling past me down the stairs. I frown again, trying not to be annoyed that he decided to leave.

I look around a bit more and the stuff upstairs was so badass but for some reason none of it really called to me and I sort of wondered around a bit aimlessly.

"Hey."

I shat a brick and spun around. Kurosaki was stood at the top of the stairs, scratching his neck and scowling at my knees. "You want me to, err, show you around?"

I can't remember too clearly what happened next but evidently I said yes because 2 hours later he has shown me all the good places to shop and eat and hang and avoid.

Kurosaki is full of contradictions.

He looks tough, but I notice how small his wrists are. He has bright hair, but he avoids eye contact with people, as if he wants to fade into the woodwork. He talks tough and he can back up his words with actions, after spending some time with him he's actually incredibly gentle with everything he touches.

"Eughh, so fuckin' mainstream." I hiss as we walk past a bunch of guys our age all wearing similar looking jeans and beanies and top's with high street labels.

"Whats wrong with 'mainstream'?"

"Pfft, you like shit like that?"

"Sure."

"Why?"

"Because I just do. I mean I don't like everything they sell at, like, Topman or wherever, but some stuffs alright."

"I hate Topman. I wouldn't go in there if you paid me."

"Have you ever even been inside?"

"No."

"Well how the hell can you even say you hate it?"

"I just hate what shops like that stand for. They make the same clothes in different sizes so that everyone can look exactly the same. It's boring. In 50 years time no one will be able to express themselves through how they look because we'll all be wearing exactly the same fucking thing."

Kurosaki laughed at me.

"What?" I nearly screamed, over reacting because my stomach dipped and dived at the sound of it.

This time it was Kurosaki who smirked as I sulked and muttered about murder.

"You know," He begun, looking at me with a slightly raised eyebrow. "If more people thought like you, I think the world would be a pretty intense and interesting place. If you want to be different so badly, then go for it."

It took me a second to realise that Kurosaki wasn't being sarcastic or taking the piss. My eyebrows shot up in surprise.

"Just text me before you ever come into school wearing a kilt and some earmuffs using the excuse that you want to 'express your identity which has been caged by all that is normal and manistream'. I'll be wanting a photo."

He laughed again as he dodged my fist.

I felt at ease with him, but also kind of unsettled.

I wanted to spend more time with him, but I was also glad when he said he had to go home.

I wanted him to laugh again, but I also think his scowl suits him.

See?

Full of contradictions.


	5. Week 4

**Monday 7th March**

You think Saturday was weird? Fuck me. Today really took the biscuit.

Saw Kurosaki at break sort of in a day dream and munching some bread. He was wondering back from the canteen off to where ever his friends were. When he noticed me sitting on a window sill he scowled and said hello. I frowned right back at him and then he just stood near me for a few moments until it got a bit awkward.

I love it when situations get awkward. I love watching people crack under the pressure, when really, there is no pressure. It's just silence.

But after a moment or two Kurosaki said, "Well Saturday was fucking weird", and then I snorted and sprayed myself with food.

"Weirdest three hours of my life." I told him. "I've never even spoken to you before, and now we're like BFFL."

Kurosaki laughed and this time my reaction to it was stronger.

My stomach literally felt like it was an industrial blender. My insides turned to absolute mush. I swallowed but my throat was dry. I tried to breath but my lungs wouldn't work.

Kurosaki asked me if I was ok and offered me some of his drink. I took a quick swig but realised he had also drunk from that bottle. Our spit was mixing together.

I can't quite explain what that thought did to me.

Then Kurosaki started talking about something and I calmed down. That was weird.

It felt like a hot flush. Maybe I'm getting a cold?

Yeah. I'm getting a cold. My nose is runny.

**Tuesday 8th March**

Spoke to Kurosaki again.

I was sat on my trusty window sill and he had just left the canteen with his lunch. We seem to just talk there, in passing. I see him around school and in lessons, and he quirks his lips at me, or nods, or says Hi.

Today we spoke about birthdays. Kurosaki is 15 and he's 16 on the 15th July. I told him I was 16 on July 31st and he got all happy about being older than me for some reason. Apparently he gets some jip about his birthday being at the butt end of the school year. Then he said bye and wondered off.

It was then I realised he is my only friend at this school.

**Wednesday 9th March**

Didn't see him at lunch or break today because I had a detention.

It really fucks me off when little bitches can't handle punishment and they moan about how they didn't even do anything when they blatantly _did_ otherwise _why_ the fuck have you got a detention at all, you retard?

I know what I did was wrong and I know I got what I deserved.

Still.

I'd do it again.

I was in Business Studies when it happened. I sit by some girl with ginger hair and boobs so big I'm surprised she doesn't haul them around with her in a wheel barrow.

Most of the people in business are guys and I do feel a bit sorry for her since they all act so leechy and gross towards her, trying to brush a hand against her tit or something disgusting like that.

When I joined this school for some reason she went out of her way to sit by me. She probably thinks I'll scare them off or something. Her plan worked for a couple of weeks, but all I do in business is sleep or doodle so I probably don't look very threatening.

Anyway, one of these pervy idiots was handing out sheets or some shit and as he got to Ginger Boob (I can't remember her name), he full on stumbled and groped her chest. Unlucky for him he also had a really annoying laugh and I was trying to sleep at that particular moment so I picked up a thesaurus off an empty table next to me and threw it at him.

The noise it made as it hit his jaw was so satisfying.

Ginger Boob came up to me after class and the teacher had finished screaming at me and said that her name was Orihime and she was happy I stuck up for her.

I wasn't _actually_ sticking up for her, but before I could say anything she gave me a bone crushing hug and then ran away muttering about leeks.

**Thursday 10th March**

So yeah, had my detention again all break and lunch so I didn't see Kurosaki today either.

But then about 10 minutes into lunch Zaraki-sensei walked into the classroom, which was empty apart from me and the teacher.

"Tousen." Zaraki was speaking to sensei. "Jeagerjaques is to come with me. I'm in charge of his punishment."

Tousen looked a bit annoyed at first but the way Zaraki said _punishment_, and with a menacing growl as well, his face stretched into a pleasant smile. Prick.

"Of course." He flicked his wrist at me in dismissal. "Out of my sight."

I got up and followed Zaraki.

"You eaten?" he grunted as he led me to his classroom.

"No." I said and Zaraki scowled.

"Eat. Then help me set some cones up to mark out the football pitch."

I did as I was told but it didn't really feel like I was in detention anymore.

Then I clicked, as Zaraki asked me if I had ever seen Dawn of the Dead and handed me something to drink, that he wasn't expecting anything from me.

He wasn't judging me.

He looked at me like I was just Grimmjow. Not a loser or a freak or a good guy or a bad guy. He just spoke to me and we had a conversation and it was so _normal_.

I think he might be the coolest teacher in the whole fucking world.

**Friday 11th March**

Today was weird. But also sort of nice. But still _really weird_.

I was back on my window sill (the detentions have ended) when all of a sudden Orihime and Kurosaki are walking towards me. They know each other? Fuck this is going to be awkward (the bad kind, the kind I don't enjoy). I'm barely social enough to cope with not offending or beating up one person, how the hell am I going to handle two?

But it was... sort of ok.

Orihime smiled and did most of the talking and Kurosaki was just looking at me with a small smile, his arms folded.

Orihime asked me where I lived, how I got to school, how I was liking Karakura. I was pretty honest and to my surprise she smiled and nodded and agreed me. It _is_ boring here.

"There's not a lot of stuff for teenagers to do. We usually just all go to Chad's or Ichigo's on weekends. Or get the train to the city. Have you ever been to the city, Grimmjow-kun?"

She was so freakishly polite I wasn't used to it.

Then Kurosaki spoke.

"Do you want to come sit with us for lunch on Monday?"

"Who's 'us'?"

"Me, Orihime, Tatsuki, Chad and Ishida."

Socialising with five people all at once? No doubt they'll be nosey and probing and someone will say something and then I'll punch them.

Then Kurosaki will see what a freak I am and leave me alone.

Kurosaki. The faggy boy with a petulant scowl who lets Nnoitra fuck him up the ass.

But the Kurosaki I know now isn't that person at all. Not even a bit.

"Ok." I said


	6. Week 5: Monday to Wednesday

**Monday 14th March**

Today came quicker than I thought. I hid in Zaraki's office at break and after enduring a full three minutes of my dark mutterings and deepening scowl, he asked me what had crawled up my ass and died.

I tried to explain how Kurosaki had invited me to sit with him and his friends at lunch.

Zaraki called me a motherfucking retard asked why the fuck was I hiding from Kurosaki in his office. I tried to explain that now was break time and I didn't want to see Kurosaki before lunch because it might be awkward because he specifically said 'join us for lunch' not 'join us for break'.

Zaraki began to laugh and asked me if I had a vagina.

I called him a skanky old man in my defence and we ended wrestling but it was pretty one sided as Zaraki easily got me in a headlock and threatened to give me a wedgie if I didn't go and find Kurosaki right now.

I ran into Kurosaki as soon as I staggered out of Zaraki's office. I saw him before he saw me and I noticed he was sort of edging around, looking for something.

"What're you lookin' for?" I asked and he jumped. I laughed at his I-just-shit-my-pants face before his brow sunk into an embarrassed scowl.

"You." He said simply.

Oh.

"Why? We're still on for lunch, right?"

"Y-yeah." He sort of tripped over his words.

Kurosaki confuses me. Sometimes, like on Friday when he was with Orihime, he seems really cool and laidback, if not a bit quiet. But then there's the other side of him that I always seem to see where he just doesn't shut up. In a good way, of course.

Then there are moments like then when it's just me and him and we've run into each other by surprise or he's forgotten I'm there and when he notices again it's like he's hit by something. I don't know by what though. He just sways a little bit and then snaps back to reality. Maybe he's anaemic?

"So... What did Zaraki want with you?" Kurosaki asks me.

"Nothing. He just sort of helps me with stuff." I admit feeling a little embarrassed.

"Oh? That's cool of him. What does he help you with? School stuff?"

I cringe inwardly. This is not a conversation I am keen to have.

_Basically, I'm as stupid as I am violent so I need someone to calm me down or cheer me up or just in general stop me from going AWAL and committing murder. _

"Err. He just... stops me from being stupid." I confess. "Teachers here always dish out detention too easily and Zaraki just gives me stuff to do so I don't waste anyone's time."

For a second Kurosaki looks sympathetic; obviously remembering that I am the new kid with no friends, an outcast. But he quickly settles his features into a deep scowl.

"Everyone is so fuckin' uptight all the time." He mutters angrily. I know he's talking about teachers, parents, adults, everyone. "It isn't fair."

"You're right." I agree bitterly. We walk across the school yard to the main block and the bell rings, signalling the end of break. Suddenly Kurosaki punches me in the arm and grins.

"Anyway. See you at lunch. Meet me in the canteen." He must notice my sudden nervousness right away because he asks if lunch is still ok with me.

"It's fine. Seriously. See you there." I tell him but he frowns at me.

"Are you nervous? Don't be; the others are really nice."

"Yeah, but I'm not." The words were out of my mouth before I could stop them and I mentally kicked myself for saying something so pathetic. I never say shit like that. If I doubt myself then I just ignore it and plough forwards but this sort of means something to me. To have a group of friends, to get along with them and have them not totally fucking hate me.

Kurosaki chuckles quietly.

"Yeah, you're right, you're not nice; who the fuck wants to be '_nice'_? You're _rolid_!"

"What the fuck is 'rolid'?"

"A combination of the words 'rock' and 'solid'."

"Jesus Christ, you're such a fuckin' looser."

Kurosaki just throws back his head and laughs and my lips twitch and my stomach bubbles.

Two hours later it was lunch time. I waited for Kurosaki in the canteen. I was getting nervous again, but before I could turn and run for the hills like I really wanted to, Kurosaki and all of his friends walked in.

Fuck. I bet I looked like such a fucking looser standing around all by myself. Kurosaki, a black haired girl and a 6ft Mexican came over to me. Orihime and a thin black haired guy went and stood in the lunch line. Orihime waved at me and smiled.

Christ, I felt retarded.

"Hey." The black haired girl spoke first. "Grimmjow, right? Chill out. We aren't gonna bite."

_Fuck you, yeah? _

I wanted to smack her. I offered her my best scowl and she snorted before turning to Kurosaki.

"He's just like you." She told him, smirking at me.

"Way to break the fucking ice, Tatsuki." Kurosaki muttered before rolling his eyes. "This is Tatsuki and Chad, by the way." Kurosaki offered. Then he gestured to the lunch line. "You know Orihime; the guy she's stood next to is Ishida." I thought I heard Kurosaki mutter 'prick' under his breath and apparently Tatsuki did too because she elbowed him.

"Hi." Someone said quietly and I looked up and up and up into the face of Chad, who was looking down at me with a neutral expression. "Ignore Tatsuki." He told me. "She already likes you because you saved Orihime from that guy in your business class. Ishida does too, but he won't show it. Your hair is pretty cool." He added as an afterthought, gesturing to my head.

"Thanks." I said, smiling up, up, up at him and feeling a little less like a clusterfuck.

Me and Chad are gonna get along; I can tell. He just breaks all this complicated friendship shit down for me into retard-language and I certainly felt more relaxed after he explained everything to me. I noticed Tatsuki smiling in my direction after Chad had finished speaking.

We got a table when everyone had something to eat. Orihime and that Ishida guy joined us afterwards and I noticed his disapproving glances in my direction but Chad's words rung in my ears and I offered him a sickly-sweet smile and a wink which made Tatsuki burst out laughing.

They asked me questions, yeah, but it wasn't as annoying as I thought it would be, explaining that my dad's out of the picture (I left out the part about him being dead but I had a feeling they sort of guessed) and so I live with just my mum in a flat on the outskirts of town. They didn't push for info either, and soon we were talking about other stuff.

I also learnt some shit about Kurosaki. I made a list of stuff I can remember.

He lives with his dad and younger sisters who are twins called Karin and Yuzu.

Kurosaki has a killer basement where they all hangout on weekends and I started to froth at the mouth when Tatsuki began describing all the xbox games and DVD's he has down there.

Kurosaki has an absurd fear of moths; because this one time, when he was about 13, a big one flew into his mouth and he accidentally bit down on it and it died and then he had to spit it back up between the pages of his text book because he was in the middle of a history lesson and then he closed the book and forgot it was there and then went back to it a few days later only to find a mangled squished moth between pages 118 and 119 and now every time he sees a moth he feels nauseous.*

**Wednesday 16th March**

I've spent the last three days sitting with Kurosaki and Co. at school during lunch and break and I like to think I am sort of making progress in the friends department. I still feel a bit reluctant to say a whole lot but Kurosaki keeps giving me these weird little encouraging smiles which make my stomach tingle. Maybe I ate something bad.

But today, just now, when I was walking home from school, I ran into Nnoitra.

Nnoitra is a fucking psyco. He's this fucking 6 ft something asshole with a bad case of bi-polar and manic behaviour. Sort of like me, but more a whole lot less charismatic and dashing.

We fight occasionally because he's a professional Karate ninja (or something like that) and he's the only person in this town who can give me a good and proper adrenaline rush.

Although Kurosaki isn't half bad either.

Anyway, Nnoitra comes up to me as I'm leaving the Tesco express with some bags of food and he asks if he can have a word with me.

"Let's walk and talk." I told him.

He grinned and before I could say anything he snatched a bag of shopping from me. I was about to punch him in his fugly face but he just sniggered and screeched some shit about being helpful. I eyed him doubtfully.

Wanna know what kind of person Nnoitra Jiruga is?

When the teachers asked us where we saw ourselves in 10 years time, Nnoitra said he'd be a paedophile.

I don't doubt him for a minute.

"So what's your beef?" I asked, trying to get to the point so we can all go home and live happily ever after.

"It's Kurosaki." Nnoitra answered, and my stomach dropped like a rock.

I suddenly remembered that they are fucking and I try not to shudder at the thought.

Kurosaki likes cock. Cock. C-O-C-K.

"What about him?" I was proud of how calm my voice came out, when on the inside I was positively hysterical and I'm not even sure why.

"You know he's mine, right?"

Nnoitra's tone of voice was casual but I could hear the very real threat in his words.

_He's mine. Not yours. You'll never mean more to him than I do. You'll never be more than a friend. You'll never get to see the side of him I know._

Something dark and powerful lurched in my stomach.

I felt scared at the sheer intensity of it. I thought I would break something, scream, be sick, snap Nnoitra's skinny neck...

"We're not fucking." I told him, my voice as hard as stone. "I can just about stand him. I just felt it was time to make some friends, y'know? Build some bridges. Kurosaki..."

Kurosaki likes cock. Cock is gross. Kurosaki is gross.

"Kurosaki was just there. He was at the right place at the right time and I let him think we're friends. For protection. I don't actually like him, Nnoitra. I like girls. Boobies. Pussy. If anything, Kurosaki is a turn-_off_."

_Why do I feel like such a coward? _

Nnoitra grinned at me.

"That's good to hear."

"So you actually… _fuck_ him?" I asked; my voice strangely hollow.

"Are you kidding? I have to practically fight him off! He loves my dick!"

I took my bag off him which he had been swinging around precariously and we said our goodbye's soon after.

I just about managed to hold down my vomit until I got home.

I'm still shaking.

I don't know why.


	7. Week 5: Thursday to Sunday

**Thursday 17th March**

Kurosaki punched me in the face today.

Nnoitra told him exactly what I thought of him.

I could only stand there and watch as he screamed at me.

It was supposed to be true. I had been honest with Nnoitra.

"So you '_let me think we were friends'_? Well I've got fucking news for you, you son of a bitch, we're _nothing_. _You're_ nothing. FUCK YOU!"

Why did those words hurt so much?

I've never seen Kurosaki so angry. I mean there's the adrenaline you get in a fight and the exchange of nasty comments to see who snaps and makes the first move, but that was nothing like this.

Kurosaki was _furious_. His eyes were molten and spitting, his lips were curled in a vicious snarl, and a pulsing vein stood out on his neck. I could feel the heat and hostility rolling off him.

I was too transfixed to realise he was still shouting at me. Three words cut through my haze.

"I hate you!"

Suddenly I was on him; I grabbed his shoulders and slammed him against the wall. His head bumped against it loudly and he let out a yell of surprise. Our faces were inches apart.

My heart was trying to break through my ribs and I felt the tell-tale vein in my forehead tick as it always did when I went into a murderous rage.

"Don't... fucking... _no_..."

I could hardly speak.

_The soapy water flooded my mouth as I opened it to ask him what he was doing. _

_The bubbles stung my eyes as I was steadily pushed under. Moments later, when I realised he wasn't trying to wash my hair, I tried to escape, my legs flailing, bathwater going everywhere. _

_His hold was immovable. I could see him leaning over me through the water; he was oddly distorted. His face was relaxed, his blue eyes bearing down on me. That look was more suffocating that the water. _

_I started to panic. _

_I tried to scream but the water just made my cries sound like gargled spluttering._

_My ears began to fill with water and it magnified the sounds around me._

_The pulse in his hands as he held me there._

_My finger nails scratching against his skin. _

_The glubglub of oxygen bubbles seeping out of my nose._

_His voice. _

I **hate** you.

_I hate you. I hate you. I hate you._

I felt like I was drowning all over again, my father's words ringing in my ears.

I couldn't tell if it was a panic attack or if I was simply going mad.

I was brought back to earth by a small whimpering noise.

Kurosaki.

I was gripping his shoulders impossibly tight. He'd bruise.

The remorse flooded through me like morphine, calming me down, bringing me back to here, to now.

"I'm so sorry." I said, letting go immediately and pulling up his sleeve to inspect the damage I had done. To my rising horror, Kurosaki was like jelly in my hands.

"Kurosaki, please..." ...stand up properly, be ok. "Please, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to..." I tried to explain myself; my reasons for reacting so harshly but my words died in my throat as I looked down at Kurosaki's arms.

Bruises - but not ones made by me.

They were various shades of yellow and purple and green and black. Some newer than others, some were big, some were tiny, but all of them looked so wrong on Kurosaki.

"Who gave you these?" I asked, my lungs struggling to co-operate.

But Kurosaki didn't have to answer.

"Why do you let him get away with this?" I whisper. "Why do you let him _use_ you?"

Kurosaki is looking at me. He seems to be thinking hard.

"I... don't know."

"I thought you were good at fighting." I say quietly, remembering all the times in the past where we have fought. "Why do you let yourself get your ass-"

'Kicked' is what I was going to say, but the word 'rape' is suddenly all I can think about.

This is real.

This is serious.

"Kurosaki..."

"I tried to put up a fight, you know." He blurts out. "Its not like I just _let him_..." He whispers and his eyes are almost pleading, as if he needs for me to believe him and understand.

I do believe him. I believe he didn't want this, I believe he fought Nnoitra off.

What I don't believe is that he gave it his best shot. If he really tried, like his life depended on it...

Kurosaki seems to see my trail of thought. He tries to snatch his arm from my grip, but I don't want to let him go. I can smell his skin, feel his thundering pulse beneath my fingers...

Kurosaki laughs, cold and empty.

"It's not so hard to rape someone as you might think, Grimmjow."

His words are like a slap across the face and he takes my moment of weakness to rip his fingers from my grip.

I could easily hold him down... if I _really_ wanted to, if I desperately wanted something from him.

Like Nnoitra had.

I suddenly want to touch him.

I raise my hand and brushed the pads of my fingers against his cheek.

Kurosaki reacted like he'd been strung, slapping my hand away and shoving me in the chest. I stumbled backwards, taken off guard.

He was pink; an angry blush had appeared on his cheeks. I watched for a few seconds as it spread across his face to his ears, before creeping to his neck and down his chest, before disappearing into his school shirt.

He clutched at himself, like he could feel my eyes roaming his body.

"Get the away from me!" He shouted.

Then he turned and ran.

My mind was spinning.

It wasn't time to go home but I went anyway; I might have run into Zaraki at one point, but I can't be sure.

I went straight to bed and just lay face down for hours. I listened to mum potter around in the kitchen, but I couldn't find the energy to go and check on her.

Kurosaki's face cut through the numbness; the way his eyes blazed at me, the hot anger that poured from his body and the pink blush that maybe also spread right down his chest to his...

I got hard.

I rolled onto my back looking down at my traitorous crotch. My dick was straining beneath my boxers and school trousers. I pulled them off, as well as my shirt and shoes and socks. My dick was straining against my belly. I swallowed.

As soon as I put a hand on myself, I thought of him. My strokes were vicious. My fist was soaked. I didn't need to spit.

Images plagued my mind and suddenly I was seeing Kurosaki naked behind my eyelids.

"_Fuck_."

Long tan limbs, sweat-soaked orange hair, amber eyes watching me touch myself...

The faster I moved, the more dirty the thoughts became. I wanted to stop, to pull my hands away and go to sleep and forget I was ever lying there, fantasising about Kurosaki, but I couldn't.

I came.

I can't tell you if I screamed or not because I don't remember. All I saw was a flickering whiteness as my whole body went tense and then broke down into a shivering heap.

I have never come so hard in my life. My thighs are still shaking.

_Fuck my life._

**Friday 18th March**

Zaraki came to my house today. I couldn't actually process he was real until he clapped his hands right in front of my face and I flinched.

"Geez, what the fuck is wrong with you, Grimmjow? I saw you yesterday and you really weren't with it-"

"Why do you care?" I cut across him rudely. I can't believe how calm I sounded. Zaraki didn't look impressed, but then he smirked. I didn't like it.

"You're just like me, son."

"Why? Because I'm a _FUCKING RETARD_?" I screamed.

The silence that followed was deafening. There was some murmured conversation in the apartment next door but I was too far gone to care. Zaraki looked like he wasn't sure whether to laugh at me or rip my sorry head off.

Instead he just shrugged and said "No, that's actually not what I was getting at.", in a really patronising voice that made me want to cry out of sheer frustration.

"You're angry." Zaraki decided. "I don't know why, but you're hurting. I can see it in your eyes. You don't know who to blame. You lash out at anyone or anything. Even if they're just trying to help you." He gave me a pointed look.

"You just want to crawl into bed and never have to face life again. Because its shit. It just is. Any you don't know what to do anymore."

And he's right. For the most part.

Only now there's this guy who feels real to me. Tangible. Like I can reach out and touch him and he's warm. Then I feel warm too, instead of cold and dead and afraid.

I slammed the door in Zaraki's face, shouting something about calling the police if he came near me again.

I feel suffocated again. Zaraki was right. I don't know what to do anymore.

I was eight years old when I realised how much my father wished I was dead.

I had been playing down by a stream with some other kids my age. I felt normal for once in my life. I was also caked in mud.

I ran a bath and scrubbed myself clean. Then the bathroom door was pushed open. I didn't say anything because when you gotta go, you gotta go. I thought dad would just take a piss and then leave.

He didn't take his eyes off me as he sat down on the lid of the toilet. He just sat there. Watching me. I remember I ignored him for the most part, playing with the bath toys and trying to get some dirt from under my toenails.

Then I got goose bumps and began to feel uncomfortable. I glanced at him and offered a small smile. Maybe he could take a hint.

Instead, he stood and then knelt next to the tub. I was surprised. Was he going to wash me? Dad never bathed me. I doubt dad ever even held me when I was a baby. Mum did all those things for me and when she got sick or just forgot, no one did them and I just looked after myself.

Me and dad were always so detached from each other. He acted like I didn't exist and I didn't mind because mum said she loved me enough for the both of them.

But I didn't like the way dad looked at me.

He reached out to me and grabbed my shoulders, then, gently but firmly, lowered me into the bath water.

The soapy water flooded my mouth as I opened it to ask him what he was doing. The bubbles stung my eyes as I was steadily pushed under. Moments later, when I realised he wasn't trying to wash my hair, I tried to escape, my legs flailing, bathwater going everywhere.

His hold was immovable. I could see him leaning over me through the water; he was oddly distorted, but his face was relaxed, his blue eyes bearing down on me. That look was more suffocating that the water.

I started to panic.

I tried to scream but the water just made my cries sound like gargled spluttering.

My ears began to fill with water and it magnified the sounds around me.

The pulse in his hands as he held me there.

My finger nails scratching against his skin.

The _glubglub_ of oxygen bubbles seeping out of my nose and mouth.

His voice.

"_I hate you."_

I woke up to screaming, but it wasn't my own.

I ran into my mother's room and held her down as her body convulsed beneath mine.

After an what felt like an eternity, she was still.

I found some cigarettes in my room and went out onto the balcony. I don't really like smoking; it makes my hands smell disgusting, but sometimes... I just need to feel calm and still.

I inhaled deeply, holding it in my chest for a few moments, before letting it out through my nose and watching the smoke tendrils swirl in the dark. There was no moon, but the stars were brighter than usual. Or maybe I just don't look up at them enough to know how bright they usually are. They seemed bright to me.

"Hello." A voice said, nearly making me shit myself.

There was a guy sat on a barstool on the balcony next to mine. He was leaning on the metal railing and looking at me with the saddest expression I've ever seen on anyone. But before I could take it personally, I noticed that his whole demeanour was depressed. He was just an emo.

He had hair as dark as the night around us (probably why I didn't notice him sooner), watery green eyes and deathly pale skin.

"You'll get cancer and die." He said, nodding towards the cigarette in my hand.

I scowled. I didn't need shit from creepy fuckers like this guy.

"Good." I said, turning and stalking back into the flat, slamming the door behind me.


	8. Week 6: Monday to Tuesday

**Monday 21st March**

I'm sitting out on the balcony again. No fucking waaay am I going to school today. Or ever again.

I wrote a poem to express my feelings.

_My mother is going nuts._

_Ichigo hates my guts._

_Zaraki's a prick, my neighbours a dick_

_And I'm a fucking idiot. _

Thank you. This took me all afternoon. I'm here till Thursday. Cheers.

I sat out on the balcony a lot this weekend, trying to think things through. I was a bit worried at first that my weird emo-neighbour might come and bug me again, but I haven't heard a peep out of him at all.

That was until earlier.

This guy I didn't recognise slinks out onto my neighbour's balcony in nothing but some black boxers. He had wavy, shoulder-length dark brown hair pulled up into a scruffy tail at the back of his head, and a long, lean body. He had sleepy eyes and yawned every couple of seconds.

He sat down on the barstool previously taken by emo-freak and opened up a small battered tin I didn't notice before. He began rolling cigarettes at lightning speed. I watched him for a few minutes.

Then he turned to me, as if he knew I had been there all along (I thought he didn't notice me), and asked me if I knew the words to lady humps. I gaped at him.

"Lady humps. By the Black Eyed Peas. You _do_ know who they are, right?"

"Of course I do." _Fucking retard_, I muttered under my breath.

"What? Yes, you know the lyrics or yes, you know who they are?"

"Yes I know who they are. I don't know the words."

"Oh. Ok." He looked like his mother had just died. Then I caught him eyeing my nearly burnt out cigarette.

"Can I borrow your lighter?" He asked me.

"I don't have one."

"Matches?"

"Nope."

"How'd you light that then?"

"On the cooker."

He grinned. "Can I mooch your spark? I would go and light mine myself, but Ulquiorra's sitting right in there and he's strictly no smoking in the flat. It's not worth risking it." He said darkly. Then he winked at me.

"Ok." I said. I didn't really wanna be an asshole. Plus this guy owes me now. Maybe I can get him to buy me cigarettes, I'm kinda running low.

I leant across and took one of his rollies off him before lighting it off my nearly extinguished straight.

"Thanks kid." He smiled at me as I handed it back to him. "I'm Starrk, by the way. That sulky shit in there is Ulquiorra. He needs to get laid."

"I'm Grimmjow." I told him.

I flicked my old butt away and got comfortable on my seat; resting my arms on the railings and watching the sky go orange and pink as the sun began to set behind the skyline of Karakura.

I glanced to my side and saw Starrk giving me a hairy stare.

"How old are you, kid?"

"15."

"Hmm." He nodded at the doors behind me leading into the kitchen. "Everything alright over there?"

Suddenly I felt cold.

Do they hear mum screaming? They do. They must.

"What do you think?" I spat.

I locked the door behind me before he could answer.

**Tuesday 22nd March**

I didn't go to school today. I didn't go out on the balcony. I didn't smoke.

I don't have any left anyway.

Then, at about half one in the afternoon when I was watching Judge Judy with mum, I got a text from Kurosaki.

_Do u know how 2 get 2 the crocodile slide? - Ichigo_

_No. - Grimm_

_It's in the kiddie park. - Ichigo_

_Oh right. Yeh I know where it is. – Grimm_

_Meet me there? – Ichigo_

_Shouldn't u b in school? – Grimm_

_Shouldn't u? – Ichigo_

_20 minutes – Ichigo_

Fuck.

I got there in 10.

Kurosaki was already there.

"I'm sorry."

We both spoke at the same time.

"You first." I muttered, feeling sick with nerves.

Kurosaki looked about as shit as I felt. His voice wobbled and I noticed his hands were trembling ever so slightly. He tried to hide it by shoving them in his pockets and staring avidly at my shoes.

"I always get too angry too quickly." He admitted. "Nnoitra told me what you said the night before and it just festered in my head. I didn't think. I know you don't really think so little of me."

But then he paused and went slightly green.

"You don't do you? You don't really hate me?" His voice was tiny but he was looking at me at last.

I never quite noticed before how beautiful his eyes were before. Brown, yes, but then some light will touch his irises and suddenly there are flecks of gold and amber and rust and cinnamon and coffee.

"What did Nnoitra tell you?"

"That... that you said you could _just about stand me_, that I was there at the right time, that you let me think we were friends, that you don't actually like me..."

"Bullshit." I told him, feeling myself smile as he grinned back at me, clearly relieved.

"He... also said... that you like girls. Tits. Pussy. That you think I'm a... turn-_off_."

He took a step closer.

Oh no.

...and another...

"Grimmjow,"

Fuck, someone stop him!

"Is this true?"

He's a fucking fag! He needs to be punched! Punch him, Grimmjow! Punch him in the vagina! Do it! Fight him off! Defend yourself! He's going to kiss you!

I froze, Kurosaki noticed and stopped leaning in, his eyes going wide and I saw uncertainty pool in his gaze.

_Good_. I thought, blocking everything out. _I want him to kiss me._

I grabbed either side of his face and slammed his mouth against mine, holding him there as he gasped. I took the opportunity to deepen the kiss, not wanting to waste a single second.

Who knows when I'd have the balls to do this again.

It was open mouthed and wet. *

We bit and nipped and his tongue felt _so fucking good_ against my own. I felt a rumbly groan rise in the back of my throat and Kurosaki answered with a sort of kittenish mewl that had my eyes rolling into the back of my head.

We took a moment to gasp for air before we were pressing our mouth together for a second time.

I lost myself in him. I mean really_ lost_; I forgot my name, my birthday, where I lived.

Everything I knew – _forgotten_.

All I felt was his hair and skin beneath my hands, his own hands on my back sending shivers through my nerves and his wet lips on mine, his tongue in my mouth.

Then, sadly, we needed to stop. Stupid, fucking lungs.

"Why did you do that?" Kurosaki asked, chest heaving.

Fuck.

I pressed my palms into my eye sockets and groaned in defeat. Don't make me say it.

I peeked at Kurosaki. He looked amused.

"Fuuuuck." I groaned again.

Ichigo laughed out loud.

"What?" I yelled in frustration, tearing my hands from my face to glare at him.

"You're really cute, Grimmjow."

All the blood in my body rushed to my face. I felt hot.

"Oh my god, shut up! Don't make me kill you!"

"I can't help it." He said, raising his hands innocently, trying very hard not to laugh.

I groaned again and then Ichigo's shoulder was there for me to lean on as I whined and moaned about how unfair this whole situation is, but Ichigo just laughed at me, pressed his lips to my cheek and told me I was adorable.

I begged him to stop talking, but that just made him laugh louder.

_*I had a drunken snog like that once. He tried to eat my face off. BEST KISS OF MY LIFE! Kinda._


	9. Week 6: Wednesday

**Wednesday 23rd March**

It's amazing how quickly life can turn around. One minute you feel like shit, all worthless and depressed, not even realising how bad things are until someone comes along and makes you feel wonderful.

Then the next day, you're back at square one; the smile ripped off your face before you even get a chance to show it to people.

Today was one of those days.

I had just walked through the school gates when I saw them together. The front yard was crowded; they couldn't see me, but I could see them.

I felt my school bag slide down my shoulder and land on the floor as I watched them in shock.

They were tucked into the shadow of the bike shed.

I was deaf to everything around me.

Nnoitra had his arm around him, their faces were inches apart. I've never seen anything that looked more _wrong_.

Ichigo was scowling but looking away but Nnoitra raised his hand and cupped his face, pulling his chin up so he could look him in the eyes.

I didn't want to see anymore.

I ran.

How could Ichigo do this to me? He tricked me, he must of. I don't really have feelings for him. He just uses people. I wonder how far he would have gotten with me if I had remained oblivious. Would he use me for sex like he uses Nnoitra. Or maybe Nnoitra is the one he really likes.

Everything was a lie. He wasn't raped, he wasn't forced into anything. He wanted it.

By the time my mind stopped racing and I wanted to murder Ichigo I was already on the train. There was no going back now.

I closed my eyes and tried to let it all go.

So, a beautiful guy with orange hair lied to me, big deal. I never liked him anyway.

The stinging in my eyes told me differently but I ignored it. I pressed my head against the window of the train and let the vibrations numb my brain. I sat like that for hours until an unfamiliar voice said a familiar name.

"_We are now arriving at Las Noches."_

I opened my eyes and recognised the platform immediately. I was the one who wrote 'Suck my cock' underneath the fucking sign for Christ's sake. That felt like a lifetime ago.

I got off the train and bought a coke from the vending machine which had seen better days and didn't give me any change.

_Fuck. I dont have enough money to get home._

I realised most of my cash was in my wallet, which was in my school bag, which was at school.

I wanted to be numb. I wanted to not care. I really did.

I'd get Ichigo back for this. I'd get revenge. No one makes me feel this...

Pathetic.

I sniffed again and wiped my face with my sleeve.

I wasn't totally hopeless; I did have my phone. But who did I have to call? Who could I rely on?

I couldn't think of anyone.

I felt alone. I can't remember ever feeling more alone than I did in those few minutes before I finally shut down.

I should have been worried. It used to happen a lot.

I felt my eyes glaze over and my pulse calm down. My legs carried me along the pavement to wherever, and with every step I took, life meant less and less to me. I just didn't care. I could get hit by a truck and I wouldn't give a fuck. I could take on 5 guys who were years older than me and I wouldn't bat an eyelid. Life didn't matter. _My_ life didn't matter.

Ever felt suicidal? The rush you get from realising how easy it would be to down a load of pills or throw yourself off a roof or onto the motorway. That indescribable feeling of knowing you could really do it, but the crippling pain of feeling as if no one cared if you did or not.

Those dark feelings weren't a spur of the moment thing for me.

It was how I lived.

Then dad died and I woke up. I realised how much mum needed me, but also how much I needed her.

My phone rang.

It wasn't Ichigo.

I didn't recognise the number.

"Hello?"

"Kid, I've had enough of your shit! Stop skiving. You better be in tomorrow or I'll fucking rip your god-damned face off!"

Then the numbness was gone and I felt.

"I'm alone in Las Noches and I can't get home."

My voice broke several times and even though I wasn't crying, I could feel tears threatening to fall. I tried to breath to regain some morsel of control but it just resulted in a shuddering sob.

_Fuck_. I didn't want anyone to see me this way.

Zaraki could have bitched about the whole thing; he could have told me I was a fucking idiot, he could have asked questions...

"I'm coming to get you."

I felt my knees shake.

"Okay."

Zaraki said he didn't know Las Noches very well so I told him to meet me by the church because the steeple could be seen for miles. He said he'd be there in 2 hours. Las Noches is a 3 hour train ride away so I admit, I had my doubts but I kept my mouth shut. I wasn't about to poke holes in his kindness.

He told me he got my number from a panicking Ichigo who found my bag where I left it and I found I couldn't say anything in response.

One hour and thirteen minutes later Zaraki pulled up at me feet in a huge green jeep. I didn't want to think about how fast he must have driven to get here so quickly.

I got in wordlessly and Zaraki was sitting in the driver's seat looking determined not to look at me. He was wearing black jeans with a white wife beater and a tight grey sweater pulled over the top and rolled up at the sleeves. I could see the tendons in his wrists gripping the steering wheel tightly. I absently wondered how he got so buff.

I closed my eyes and rested my head against the window.

"I'm fucked up." I whispered. "I don't want to blame everything on my dad, I'm sure I'd be messed up without his help, but still." I opened my eyes and saw two blue orbs reflected in the window. There were his eyes, not mine.

"I'm fucked up." I said again.

"Tell me." He said, still not looking at me. I silently thanked him. Looking at him right now would probably make this harder.

"He didn't like me, its as simple as that. I was a mistake. The only reason he let mum keep me was because she said she'd leave him if he ever hurt me. He hated me for meaning more to her than he ever could. Mum loved me. She told me so every day. She said she loved me enough for the both of them. Then I realised Dad had a thing for cocaine. Like, a _really bad_ thing for cocaine."

I flinched as I heard his voice in my ears, echoing in my head and making my brain hurt.

"_What? What the fuck are you looking at? WHAT? Stop looking at me! STOP IT!"_

"He overdosed and died on our sofa eight months ago."

I glared at my reflection.

Ichigo was the reason I had been hurt, but my father was the reason I had been scared enough to run.

"I didn't even realise at first, I walked straight through the front room and didn't bat an eyelid. It wasn't until I turned the kettle on that I thought the room felt too still, too quiet. Of course it was to quiet. He wasn't fucking alive, that's why."

I felt hot angry tears spill down my cheeks. I was well aware I probably looked pretty ridiculous, having a mental breakdown and crying all over myself, but Zaraki moved at last, reaching over and gripping my wrist tightly. I sobbed, coming undone again.

"I'm glad he's gone; I'm glad he can't hurt me anymore, but at the same time... I hate myself for thinking that. I hate myself. He's dead. Forever. There is no second chance for him; no redemption. He was such an asshole. Such a bastard. But did he deserve to die like that?"

I remember the blood that crusted around his nose, the vomit on his shirt, the doctors telling me he died of a brain haemorrhage as a result of the overdose and my mother collapsing to her knees screaming.

"I wouldn't wish that on anyone." I whispered.

We sat there for a while, in that beast of a jeep, and just watched the world go by. Zaraki was still holding my wrist. It was probably the most comforting thing anyone had ever done for me.

I didn't count the minutes but it was a while before either of us spoke again.

"Shit happens." Zaraki finally said. "I know that's the lamest thing in the world to hear, but it's the most honest advice I can give."

I was looking at his hand as it gripped me and I saw the scars that littered his skin. Pale, barely visible, but they were there all the same; lighter than the rest of him and once I noticed them, I found it hard to stop staring.

And for some reason "Shit happens" meant more coming from Zaraki than it ever could from anyone else. This man just _knew_.

"What can you do?" He continued, shrugging. "You can only accept it and move on. There isn't another option. Accept it, get over it, move on. But remember," He smiled. Something told me he was passing on words someone had given to him, once upon a time.

"_Take your time_. There's no need to rush and there's no need to worry. It doesn't have to fix itself right now, all in one go. People who have been there know it can take years, maybe even forever, but it's better to go slow. You learn more. Plus you feel better at the end. Trust me."

Zaraki let go of my wrist and raised a massive hand to ruffle my hair.

"You're not fucked up."

I wished, in that moment, that we could choose our parents.


	10. Week 6: Thursday to Sunday

**Thursday 24th March**

Uhh man, I feel disgusting. Like I went on a 3 day binge or something. You know when you cry and then you get a headache and feel like shit? That's me right now. My body feels so heavy, like someone filled me with sand.

I slept at Zaraki's last night.

Oh, and as it happens, he's got a fucking 7 year old daughter with pink hair, who insists on calls him Kenny.

As soon as Zaraki picked her up from her child-minder on our way back from Las Noches, she tapped my shoulder and asked me if I could draw a pink SpongeBob on a skateboard, being pulled by a wolverine.

She's the fucking cutest little shit I've ever seen, and that's coming from someone who hates kids.

It was kind of scary waking up in a strange house this morning.

Zaraki let me sleep on a squishy sofa bed in a room that lead off the dining room. Yachiru called it the Snug. The decorating was all dark browns and reds and there was TV in the corner with an Xbox. When Zaraki said I could play on it, I had to hug him then. I had to. He looked pretty horrified.

I woke up at half 1 in the afternoon and the house was empty.

I felt awkward.

I was wearing my school clothes from yesterday and my head hurt. I wanted to shower, take some aspirin and sleep in a house that felt familiar.

But then I noticed a load of crudely written sticky notes around the house. Things like: 'Eat what you like, but even dream of touching the Jaffa cakes on the top shelf and I will kill you.' on the fridge. 'Put the toilet seat down (or Yachiru will fall in)' in the bathroom. 'Put your uniform in the washing machine, you dirty fucker' on a door into the utility room.

I even found some sweat pants and a shirt folded up on the table with a pink note from Yachiru: 'Wear these, Kitty! They shrunk in the wash because Kenny is stupid!' She had drawn a demented picture of Zaraki throwing a washing machine across the kitchen with beeped out swear words.

Underneath Zaraki had written in harsh black pen: 'Dramatisation. '

I felt like crying again.

I took a shower, got dressed into the clean clothes left for me, made myself an omelette and played CoD for three and a half hours.

I didn't do it because I thought 'I'm not going to miss a good opportunity to spoil myself', I did it because, not only did I want to feel at home here, but _they_ wanted me to feel at home here too.

For some reason, that meant the entire world to me.

Zaraki and Yachiru got home at about 5 and she joined me in the snug. She surprised the shit out of me by picking up a controller and joining in; selecting a gun and making animated noises as she screeched about how she was totally kicking my stinky butt.

An hour or so later Zaraki called us to the kitchen for dinner and made me eat everything he put on my plate. I could hardly complain.

As he drove me home he told me my attendance at school was fucked. He told me to take tomorrow off as well but I should make up some bullshit about family problems or whatever. He said I should probably write a letter of apology to the head just to play it safe and suck up.

"Sort yourself out, but Monday morning come into school and be prepared to do some serious ass kissing."

When I got home I found mum sleeping her bed. I let out a sigh of relief. I rang her on the way back from Las Noches and told her I was staying with a friend. I'm not totally unreliable or stupid enough to just spend a night away from home and not tell my own mother where I am.

I was sort of worried about her but Zaraki insisted I stay over and I didn't want to explain everything to him. She can look after herself well enough for one night; she's not stupid, just a little unhinged. There _is_ a difference. If there was a huge problem she would have rang me.

I paused.

Shit. My phone. I yanked it out of my pocket but it wouldn't turn on; dead battery.

I ran into my room and plugged it into my charger.

Suddenly hundreds of missed calls and messages flashed across the screen; I actually had a mother fucking heart attack.

_What had happened?_

But not a single one was from mum. They were all from Ichigo.

_Where the fuck were you today? Was this about the kiss? Where do you live? Can I come over? We need to talk. I want to see you. Do you hate me? Do you regret it? _

And 50 more all exactly the same.

Then suddenly my phone lit up, but it was on silent so it didn't buzz or make a noise. No wonder I didn't notice I had so many missed messages.

'Incoming call: Ichigo Kurosaki'

I accepted the call and pressed the receiver to my ear.

His voice filled my head with angry questions about where the fuck I've been for the past 24 hours and how come I didn't reply to his messages and how could I do that to him, he was so worried...

My eyes filled with tears. I'm such a pussy.

"Fuck you!" I yelled, feeling proud of myself when my voice came out strong and loud. "_Fuck_-_You_! I saw you and Nnoitra getting all close by the fucking bike shed, for Christ's sake! You fucking _user_! I didn't even like you anyway-"

"Grimmjow." Ichigo's calm voice cut through me like steel. There was a pause in which he sounded like he was trying not to laugh.

"WHAT?" I screamed, stopping my foot and hating my heart for lurching at the sound of his voice.

"If you really saw me and Nnoitra by the bike shed, then did you see me kick him in the balls and break his front teeth?"

There is a long ringing silence.

"Didn't think so."

Then, as if to mock me, he gave me his address and demanded I come over and apologise for disappearing for 24 hours.

I can't tell you how stupid I felt as he hung up on me.

I checked on mum who I woke up with my screaming and told her I was going over to visit a friend.

"Take a torch." She told me, pointing to the darkness outside her bedroom window.

I smiled at her.

"Will do."

Now, you might think this is really, really gay advice, but I can see her logic; there are street lamps, but not on every inch of road, and if I fell over in the darkness or something equally stupid, then I wouldn't be found until morning.

I bundle a torch, my phone charger and some clean clothes into a rucksack because its late and Ichigo said I'm sleeping over.

I try very hard not to think about that last bit.

He was waiting for me outside his house when I arrived thirty minutes later, wearing pajama pants and a thick knitted jumper. I swallowed. He looked adorable.

"What's with the torch?" He asked, smirking.

"Fuck off." The words were out of my mouth before I could stop them.

Ichigo's face immediately turned into a scowl. "Don't be such a girl." He spat at me. "I wasn't gonna hold the whole disappearing thing against you, just don't do it again. I was worried."

Then his face fell slightly.

"Did you really think I was using you? Did you really think I actually liked Nnoitra?"

I clenched my mouth shut because opening it and confirming everything he had just said as true would be just too pathetic.

"Is that why you ran away?" He whispered, lowly. "You were hurt?"

I felt like I was standing on a cliff.

Someone was behind me, a hand on my back, pushing me towards the ledge. My body was shaking; my jaw was tensed, my eyes were rapidly filling, and I'm pretty sure there was a sob building in my chest.

I was literally a step away from totally falling apart.

"I'm so sorry." He told me, before pulling me into a hug.

I don't want to write it.

I don't want to write about how I completely and utterly fell apart in Ichigo Kurosaki's arms, on his motherfucking doorstep. I don't want to write how his warm smell and tight grip on me only made me cry harder.

It's a moment of my life I wish I could forget.

Why is everything so intense? Why does it hurt so much but feel so good to finally cry and let it all out? Why can't I just live in a flat with my mum and not give a shit about Zaraki or Yachiru? Why can't I stop liking Ichigo _so fucking much_?

I'm not in control anymore.

Ichigo later let me restore some of my masculinity by resting his head on my chest and snuggling into my side. We were stretched out on a sofa in his basement. I vaguely remember Tatsuki telling me how they all come down here on weekends when Ichigo's dad is working late and watch TV, order pizza and hangout like normal teenagers.

"So you punched Nnoitra?" I asked Ichigo, once the second episode of Family Guy had finished. "What the fuck happened?"

"I told him I was in love with someone." A smile started to split his face.

"You told him you were in love with someone," I repeated stupidly, trying to process this. Ichigo was biting his lip. I could tell he was thinking twice about what he had just said.

But I found I wasn't intimidated.

I was _relieved_.

"Wait," I frowned in mock concern. "It's me, right?"

He rolled his eyes, lips twitching. "Yes, it's you, Grimmjow."

At last, everything was absolutely fine and I grinned, grabbing him and pulling his face towards mine. I'd like to say the kiss was sexy and bone melting, but it's sort of hard to focus when we were both grinning so widely and Ichigo kept collapsing into giggles.

It still melted my bones, though.

I pulled away, looking at him with a sort of dazed expression.

"Just checking," I said, before kissing him properly.

His lips were just like I remembered and he tasted like toothpaste; it made my mouth feel cold.

Ichigo was an amazing kisser. I don't have loads of experience at kissing, and I've never asked anyone if I'm any good or not, but Ichigo didn't seem to give a flying fuck as his hands gripped my sides fiercely.

I ran my hands across his jaw, one sinking into his hair, the other sliding down his back, feeling the bumps of his spine. I gently traced my fingers up and down the area between his shoulder blades and he shivered.

"Feels nice." He mumbled and I slipped my hand under his shirt, touching the skin on his back and groaning at how smooth and warm and good he felt under my finger tips.

After a few minutes of this, his shirt began to annoy me so I tugged it over his head. He grinned back at me and reached for mine, crawling onto my lap and throwing my discarded shirt over his shoulder. I laughed as it landed on the TV.

As Ichigo straddled himself on my lap, I felt something hard brush against my leg. He groaned quietly and I stilled.

Oh my god.

Ichigo is a guy.

Guys get boners.

In other words his dick is in his pajama pants and it's _hard_.

_I_ _made him hard._

I wasn't sure what to make of this so I grabbed his hips and held him very still, determined not to look down at his crotch.

"Grimmjow?"

Ichigo's face looked puzzled and I hated myself for being such a coward. I did want him, I even had a fucking erection to prove it but I just didn't think...

What? That he'd get hard too?

Will I have to touch it? Another boy's penis? Will he want it in my mouth? Will he want it up my ass?

"Hang on." My voice comes out high and panicked.

I don't feel ready for this.

"Just wait a second." I told Ichigo, who was rapidly looking more and more worried.

I am ready, I have to be. Well, I don't _have_ to, but I want to be. I _want_ this.

It's just...

"Grimmjow, we can stop. We don't have to do anything you don't feel like doing."

I exhale a breath I didn't know I was holding.

"We don't have to have... sex... right now, do we?" I choke out.

"No, Grimmjow. You don't even have to think about that if you don't want to. Being gay isn't about liking anal, its about liking other guys. Some gay people have, you know, proper relationships, but never have sex because anal isn't for everyone."

"Really?" I felt my eyebrows shoot up in surprise and I really wanted to know more, but I realised that we had forever to talk about this, to disect it for what it really was and explore it.

But in that moment I had a shirtless Ichigo on my lap with a boner, who didn't want butt sex from me right away and I suddenly felt infinitely better about the whole thing.

In an instant my hands were all over him, pulling him close to me and pressing our torsos together. I felt Ichigo gasp into my shoulder and his breath against my skin made my hips twitch slightly. Ichigo wriggled against me and the oddest thing happened.

Ichigo groaned loud and long as our chests rubbed together and the friction on my nipples was so surprising, I bucked upwards and bit my lip in an effort to hold down a growl.

I felt it again; the unmistakable hardness of his cock pressing against the buckle of my belt.

But that was ok. The fact that I knew we weren't going all the way made me feel a bit more confident. We would kiss, and see where that'd take us.

I decided to explore Ichigo. I kissed a wet trail down from his mouth to his neck and took my time licking and biting him there. He groaned my name; humming and sighing at every touch.

He was beautiful.

He braced one hand on the back of the sofa behind my head and his other one was in my hair, tugging ever so gently. It felt fucking incredible.

I placed a hand on his chest and rubbed my rough palm against a hard nipple; Ichigo's hips jerked and he grinded himself onto me, swearing loudly. I immediately reached down and grabbed his ass, pulling him against me again and we started a slow, twitching rhythm.

"Fuck, oh fuck..." Ichigo chanted over and over into my hair.

I ducked my head and lead my trail of kisses down his collar bone to his chest.

When I took one of his nipples into my mouth, he let out a shuddering sigh and cupped my head in his hands, holding me there. I used my tongue to flick against the sensitive area and he stuttered out my name and suddenly streams of curses were flying from his mouth and he pulled my head away.

I thought for a moment I had done something wrong, but the look in Ichigo's eyes told me very differently.

His brown eyes had never looked darker and his lips were pink and swollen. I swallowed, my throat suddenly tight.

I wanted him.

Suddenly I groaned as all the blood in my body went to my already painfully hard cock. Why was I wearing fucking _jeans_? They felt so tight.

Ichigo was watching me with his black stare.

"Unbutton your pants." He commanded.

_Fuck, this is too fucking hot. _

My fingers were trembling as I undid my belt and the front of my jeans; Ichigo slid off my lap and onto the floor, tugging them down my legs.

Suddenly something clicked.

"Are you giving me a blowjob?" I asked, my voice thick and not my own.

"Do you want one?" Ichigo asked me, suddenly worried.

"Fuck yes." I whispered and Ichigo smiled up at me, settling himself between my thighs.

"Good." Ichigo said seriously, grabbing the elastic of my boxers and pulling my cock out. I wanted to throw my head back and roar at the feel of his hands on me, but I didn't want to look away so all I did was inhale sharply and flex my hips.

"Because even if you didn't want one, I would have held you down and done it anyway. I've wanted to do this to you since I first saw you." He told me, never breaking eye contact.

He pressed his lips against me and I nearly came right there. They were so soft and so wet; I felt my stomach clench and we both watched a bead of cum roll down my shaft. Ichigo licked it up before it could escape and I felt myself become frantic.

"Ichigo..." I gasped, gripping the fabric of the sofa tightly in my fists.

I watched for a long agonizing second, as my cock disappeared into the wetness of Ichigo's mouth.

"Fuck!" I could feel a growl building in the back of my throat and I finally closed my eyes, biting my lip and trying to steel myself against the tightening coil in my stomach.

I could feel Ichigo bobbing up and down on me, his tongue wet and probing, his hands holding my hips down.

An instant before it happened, I opened my eyes.

His black gazed tipped me over the edge.

My orgasm ripped through me, every nerve ending and cell in my body sang; my back arched off the sofa, my fingers went numb and whiteness flickered behind my eyelids like a strobe light. I let out a strangled moan followed by a long, shuddering sigh as I came inside Ichigo's warm, wet mouth.

My chest was heaving as I tried to calm down and I closed my eyes, suddenly exhausted.

Once my brain was working properly again, the first thing it registered was a wet noise.

I looked down and Ichigo had his head buried in my thigh, gasping against my skin, arm working frantically as he touched himself.

"Ichigo, come here." I told him, my voice dry and low. But as it happens, he was shaking so badly he could hardly stand.

I lowered myself onto the floor, between him and the sofa and pulled him against me. My hand reached deftly for his swollen cock and he immediately lost control, his hips thrashing, his arms locking around my neck as he buried himself into my shoulder, sobbing my name, his voice almost hysterical.

He came seconds later, his whole body twitching violently, his come splattering onto my stomach and fist.

We sat there for what felt like hours, the come drying on my skin, the cooling sweat on the back of my neck making me shiver.

It should have all felt too fast. I mean I just had my hand on Ichigo's penis.

His PENIS. P-E-N-I-S.

But it didn't bother me as much as I thought it might. I did feel sick but it wasn't out of disgust or revulsion at what we had just done.

I laughed nervously.

"What?" Ichigo croaked, smiling up at me sleepily. "What's so funny?"

"I've got butterflies." I said incredulously, feeling them doing loop de loops and cartwheels in my stomach, their tiny wings tickling my insides.

Ichigo threw back his head and laughed, his eyes were bright and I realised there were tears in his eyes.

I genuinely don't think I've ever felt more glad to be alive.


	11. Week 7

**Monday 28th March**

Dear Diary,

I don't know what to think.

I wish you were a person who could actually give me advice. I wish the words would just appear on the page and tell me what the fuck I'm supposed to do.

What I do know: Ichigo is quite possibly one of the most wonderful people who was ever born - he loves me, he wants me, he makes me cum so hard I lose my mind, he makes me feel like... I don't know.

_Butterflies_ is the only way to describe it. I know that sounds lame and childish but it's what he does to me.

What I don't know: _what the fuck do I do now?_

I saw Ichigo twice on the weekend. On Saturday we met up in town and went to a Rastafarian Bar I remembered passing the first time I went to town.

It was probably a date but neither of us confirmed it as one and I think I preferred it that way. There was no pressure.

On Sunday we sat around in his basement making out all day, watching films and eating about 14 pop tarts each.

I didn't see his younger sisters; Ichigo said they were all out for the few hours I was over, as well as his supposedly 'mental' father. When Ichigo called his dad _mental_ I tried very hard to keep my face neutral. If Ichigo knew I wanted to hit him, he'd probably want to know why.

But it wasn't his fault. I hadn't breathed a word about mum to him; he didn't know.

I went to school today with a letter I wrote in mum's writing, pretty much telling the head teacher I am fucked up and I'm sorry. I told him my mum was struggling to deal with my dads death and so was I (which wasn't a total lie). Predictably, he asked me if there was anything the school (counsellor) could do to help out and I threw him a fake smile and said we were dealing with it.

I've met with the counsellor before; in fact, it was her who told me to even start writing this diary. She recommended I write down some stuff in a diary just to get it out of my system and onto paper and I remember nearly punching her in the face.

I just looked back at my first couple of entries and I had to laugh at myself. Its been – what? About a month and a half since I started this and I can't seem to stop. I used to write about the day-to-day things that happened, the fight's I'd get into, the shit I'd create in my wake, but now it's as if, when I write at least, all that stuff has just fizzles away. It's insignificant. It's there and it happens, but it doesn't mean a thing anymore.

I wonder if this is good or bad? Am I growing up? I'm 18 in just over two years. Will I still like Ichigo by then? What will we be like? Will I still be fucked up?

But back to the present.

What do I do now? About Ichigo... could I date a _guy_?

When I got home from school, Mum was sitting at the kitchen table reading a book, totally absorbed. She didn't notice me until the door shut behind me with a gentle click.

"You've been out a lot more than usual, lately." She told me, half smiling, half nervous. "Where do you go?"

"I've just been to school." I told her, throwing my bag down and grabbing some orange juice from the fridge.

"The cups are in the cupboard." She told me, her voice amused as I realised I was about to drink from the carton and not get away with it.

"Right." I muttered sheepishly.

She smiled at me and watched me pour out a glass. I pulled myself up onto the counter and we watched each other as I drank.

I remembered how she used to be; laughing over simple things, smiling at my terrible drawings I did in primary school and telling me only to take one biscuit at a time instead of five.

As I drank I saw something in her eyes I hadn't seen for a while. She was watching me, but it she didn't look confused or upset.

Her grey eyes glittered intelligently and her wispy, white-blond hair was pulled back into a messy plat. She always used to tell me I had her smile, although I couldn't see it.

I smirk.

She smiles and made the world a little brighter. I could never be like her, so bright and happy and pure.

But this was only ever half of the person who was my mother.

The other half was a person who got ill and slept for days, who screamed at things which weren't there, who cried into the early hours of the morning because she knew she was sick but there was nothing we could do without going to a professional.

Living like this, with her in the state she's in, is probably illegal, but dad did it, and he managed.

So can I.

"You look nice today." I told her, putting my cup into the sink, which, surprisingly, already had hot soapy water in it. I glanced around the house and noticed it looked a little cleaner than usual. "Did you clean up?"

"Mmm." She hummed. "I felt a lot better this morning and I wanted to surprise you." She grinned and stood up. "Surprise!" She laughed, making jazz hands and pulling me into a hug.

I didn't know what to say. What can you say when someone who seemed to be going mad suddenly became themselves after years of acting estranged?

Mum hasn't hugged me since forever. She felt thin, malnourished, like a twig in my arms, but warm and her feathery hair tickled my face. She smelt like fairy liquid and chocolate.

Do I dare write it down? Will I jinx it?

It mum... getting better? _Can_ she get better? Does madness just... stop? Can we be happy now?

"I've... made a friend, mum. That's why I've been out so much." I confessed, pulling away from her.

"Ohh! Who is he or she? Do they go to your school? What are they like?" She gushed.

"He – Ichigo – is in my class in school. His dad owns the medical clinic in town and he..."

"Is amazing?" She smirked at me. "When did you start dating?"

I tried very hard not to be unnerved by this. Mum always had a knack for knowing things she wasn't supposed to know (like when I first hit puberty and spent forever in the shower...).

"We – we're not. I'm not, we can't just... Its different for us, for two... guys."

She raised an eyebrow at me.

"Isn't it?" I asked ernestly, feeling very stupid and very young.

"Grimmjow, straight or not, pulling off a relationship is hard word. That's hardly a reason to hold yourself back. How much do you like this boy?"

There was a long, empty silence.

How much _do_ I like Ichigo?

I frantically searched through my vocabulary for a word to describe my feelings for him.

"A lot." I muttered lamely, annoyed that there wasn't a thesaurus around.

"Right." Mum said, patting my cheek and suppressing a laugh. "Well, lucky for you, but the question 'how much?' shouldn't really be answered with words anyway."

I blink owlishly. "What do you mean?"

Mum's smile slips away to a much more serious expression.

"I mean it should be answered with actions, Grimmjow. Just do it."

**Tuesday 29th March**

But I can't. I can't just _do it._ What am I even supposed to be _doing_?

People always say that caring about someone is easy but it's the 'pulling off a relationship thing' which is hard. Do I really want to ruin us before we've even begun? This... whatever it is, might not even last very long. I hope it does, because I like it, I like us... but it's all still so vague. Not to mention Ichigo hasn't even brought it up once; not all weekend when we had hours to talk, or yesterday when we hung out all break. He might not even want to go out with me.

I ponder this at lunch as I sit with Ichigo, Orihime, Tatsuki and another one of Ichigo's friends called Keigo, who is really fucking annoying.

"Here." Ichigo hand's me a headphone, a smirk on his face, apparently noticing my annoyance at the volume of Keigo's screeching.

I take it and stick it in my left ear, Ichigo has the other one in his right and as our knees bump under the table, I feel my bad mood lift.

"What is this?" I ask, not recognising the song, but the voices are much too familiar.

"Miami by the Foals." Ichigo supplies. "It's on their newest album; it came out last year. Do you like it?"

"Yeah." I croak. "I went to their gig last February."

Dad died only July 2nd last year, shortly before their second album came out so I never listened to it. I wasn't really with it for a long while afterwards. I don't think I've been all there until recently, actually. *

I used to love the Foals. I once had a poster on my wall and their first album _Antidotes_ is still sitting in a box in my room with all my other music.

Last year, when I heard they were playing in a city near Las Noches, I bought tickets as soon as they came on sale and headed out for the night of my life. There was so much sweat and insanity, it was unbelievable. I met a girl who was all on her own, just like me. She couldn't have been older than 15. We made out for three songs. It was my first kiss.

Ichigo gapes at me when I tell him about the gig and as I watch an excited blush appear on his cheeks, I feel myself smile at the memory of one of the best nights of my life.

But then I scowl down at Ichigo's iPod Touch.

"What?" He laughs at my glare.

"Where did you get that?" I ask, pointing at it. "I used to be really into music until Dad died but then music just lost its significance to me. I had bigger things to worry about, y'know? I've got loads of CD's, but they're such a pain. Ipod's seems easy enough to use. Are they really expensive?"

I glance around, taken aback by the silence which follows; Keigo is quiet and Tatsuki and Orihime are looking at me oddly. I look at Ichigo who also has a peculiar expression on his face. It isn't pity just sort of... I don't know. Like when someone tells you something unusual you didn't know about them. Maybe Ichigo didn't know I was ok talking about my dad. I'm sure everyone knows he's dead. Nnoitra liked to bring it up a lot; that I am a blue-haired bastard child.

"I've got a job." He says, before I can ask what's wrong. "I help out a shop owned by a friend of my dad's so I saved up for it. It wasn't really expensive; about £150."

"Oh." Never mind.

I don't have £150 to just spend on a fancy MP3 player. I need to buy food on my way home and mum's got savings, but we only get so much to live off a week so that it lasts as long as possible. I have no idea how much money we have, I just keep praying that the money that appears on mum's card doesn't stop suddenly, or else we'd be really fucked.

"Do... do you want me to ask if there's anything you could help with? Around the shop, I mean."

I stare at Ichigo, open mouthed.

"Really?" My voice comes out higher than I planned but I'm too shocked to care.

"Well, neither of us are 16 yet and my job isn't _official_, Urahara just pays me £30 every week to watch the shop for a couple of hours and clean the place. And, if I remember right," He scowls, and scratches the back of his neck. "He hired a new sales assistant because he wants to take more hours off. You could help her out. She'll be there on her own a lot... but I'm not sure. I'd have to ask." Ichigo adds apologetically, reminding me this promise might not go any further than this conversation.

**Wednesday 30th March**

Zaraki spirited me away at lunch and put me in some boxing gloves. They were black and smelt like sweat. I was a little grossed out. Oh well. I've stuck my hands in worse stuff before.

"Come on then. Hit me." Zaraki told me, holding up some small round pad things, stuck to his hands. "Don't worry about hurting your hands. The gloves make your hits harder, whilst also protecting your fists. Come on." He smirked at me. "_Hit me_."

I felt like a dick.

But Zaraki kept shouting at me to hit him harder, egging me on.

Half an hour later I was sweating like a fat man in heat and aching in places I didn't know could ache; my arms shaking slightly.

But, oh my fucking god, my body was on fire. I could hear my blood thundering in my head like I was in the middle of a fucking typhoon, I could barely hear him when Zaraki told me to go and shower.

In the changing rooms, I passed a mirror. I looked at myself. I was red in the face and I could see a muscle twitching in my neck. My eyes were bright, my pupils dilated and my own expression sent a shiver up my spine.

I looked _alive_.

**Saturday 1st April**

I invited Ichigo to my house.

Why? Why did I do that?

The house was cleaner than usual, mum was... sleepy, but more with it than I had ever seen her and I wanted Ichigo to see where I lived for some inconceivable reason.

I wanted to share my space with him.

Turns out, I was digging my own grave.

I should have paid more attention to mum this morning. I didn't check on her like I usually do every couple of hours; she'd been so self-sufficient the past few days I just had a lapse in judgement. I let her sleep.

Ichigo came over at about 1 and we just spent a few hours watching a film; him snuggled into my side. I was worried about Ichigo getting bored since I don't have many DVD or much of anything to keep us entertained but Ichigo didn't seem to mind; we filled the gaps with heated debates about how cool it would be if the moon was actually _seriously_ made of cheese and _why can't we talk to animals?_

Then, just as I was thinking of making some popcorn, mum started screaming.

I had pushed Ichigo off me before he knew what was happening.

"Stay here." I commanded to a frozen Ichigo, before tearing across the room and ripping mums bedroom door open. I shut it behind me and spent the next 15 minutes calming her down.

"I'm so sorry, Grimmjow." She rasped, her voice hoarse from making so much noise, before her eyes rolled into the back of her head and she passed out.

I slid limply to the floor.

I could feel the vomit bubbling in my stomach.

I pulled my knees up to my chest and took a few minutes to _calmdownbreathe_.

Fuck.

I sort of flicked onto auto pilot, standing up and opening the door. As soon as Ichigo saw me he was at my side with questions I had heard countless times over.

"Grimmjow! What's wrong? Is everything ok? What happened? Should we call an ambulance? Or my dad? What do we do? Was that your-"

"My mum, yeah."

Ichigo stops mid rant and I can see it click inside his head.

This is _normal_.

"I... I'm not embarrassed." I blurt out suddenly.

Pity. It always comes after the shock. After the realisation that this is how I live.

"I'm not!" I say louder, if only to convince myself. Ichigo still looks speechless.

Before I can stop myself I am pacing the kitchen and babbling nonsensically.

"She's always hated drawing attention to herself. We don't need a doctor! B-but, she _is_ ill. _Really ill_. You can't tell anyone, you _can't_. I know its mad, I _know_ it is, but I need her as much as she needs me, we're family – she's all I have left! She's weak, easily manipulated. She said so herself. That's why I need to protect her! The rest of the world will just swallow her whole and spit her out. Doctors will just lock her away in a room with white walls and I _can't do that to her_, not if I'm here and sane and ok. Not if I'm capable of looking after her, which I _am! _She's not dangerous! No more than you or me or _anyone_!"

I'm absolutely gone. Not crying, not sobbing, just so... possessed. _Distraught_.

"She – she sees things. _Hollows_, she calls them; monsters everywhere, creeping out from all over the place. Ghosts, as well; dead things. I'd be scared if I saw what she sees. I get goose bumps when she describes it to me. I... I can't imagine what she goes through..."

Abruptly, there's a lump in my throat and I cant talk anymore.

Ichigo is still silent. He appears to have calmed down. He is watching me with a contemplative stare

"I'm not embarrassed." I whisper.

But I'm not, though. Really. I'm not ashamed.

Me and mum... we've been to the lowest of the low. There have been moments that stretched into days where we'd both just curl up together and wait, with our eyes closed, for the world to end.

There's was nothing beneath that, nowhere to go but up.

I came away from it feeling... not invincible, but with a totally new outlook on life.

Things like _embarrassment_ or _not really feeling like doing something absolutely necessary_, they just didn't matter anymore. I did what I needed to do to keep going. But then occasionally, someone from the outside world would peep in and their reaction to how I live would jerk me back into reality, not everyone is like me; who I am, what I do - not everyone has to do it.

I am not '_normal'_.

And it makes me angry that people think that.

This is _my_ normal. This is how I live _my_ life. **

"This was my choice." I tell Ichigo, simply. "I want to take care of her. She's my mother. I love her."

"I believe you." Ichigo answers at last. He isn't smiling and he looks like he's about to cry.

"My mother died when I was nine." As he speaks, he gets a far-off look in his eyes. "One day she was there, the next she wasn't. I see something that reminds me of her and it just... catches me here, you know?" He rubs his chest and I _do_ know.

"I miss her every day."

Ichigo's hand trembles as he wipes a tear off his cheek.

"I'm not embarrassed either." He says.

I feel my lips twitch in the ghost of a smile.

I raise my hand to brush away the tears he missed.

"I believe you." I tell him.


	12. Week 8

**Monday 4th April**

Well that went well.

_Hey Ichigo, this is my mum. Mum, stop drooling on the rug and come meet Ichigo... Oh, don't mind her – she's nuts! _

*insert awkward laugh*

Fuck.

This was not meant to happen. Just when I thought Mum was getting better... I can't believe I got my hopes up like that. I want to kick myself for being so naive. She will never get better. She'll only have good days and bad days. Nothing more, nothing less.

She seemed fine this weekend, but I'm not letting that fool me. I've been keeping more of an eye on her; sleeping next to her at night and ringing home every half hour when I'm not in the house. Call me paranoid but I refuse to let anything bad happen to her.

I'm beginning to realise that this is it now. I will look after her till she's an old woman. My life will be on hold until she isn't around anymore. I guess that sounds pretty terrible but I don't think I ever had much of a life anyway. You can't miss what you never had.

I know I made a poetic speech about being proud of being different... but am I a little _too_ different? Sometimes I don't even feel like I'm the same species as everyone else, let alone on the same page. Is there something wrong with me? Like fundamentally? Am I just... not meant to fit in?

But then there is Ichigo. He doesn't make me feel quite so deformed.

I walked him home after mum's 'episode' or whatever it was, and he didn't say it but... I kind of felt what he was trying to say in his silence.

I think Ichigo loves me.

As in _Love_ - the real deal. He's said it before and it was fine but…

This Love feels so much… _more_.

Maybe I just didn't take him seriously enough. This is the first time I've really tried to comprehend it.

Ichigo loves me. Ichigo. Me. In love. Grimmjow. Loved by Ichigo. Ichigo...

He's in love with me.

It's still hard for me to grasp. I'm sure he's telling the truth but...

I just can't quite believe it. I can't wrap my head around it.

Not yet, at least.

This morning Ichigo came running up to me like a headless chicken. I was too busy trying not to laugh at him so I had to ask him to repeat what he was saying.

"Urahara wants to meet you! Hopefully he can give you some hours!"

Then there were two headless chickens.

After school, Ichigo lead me along the high street and towards a yellow brick shop with a lime green door and window frames. I paused. It was... unique. Is that the right word?

Urahara Shouten certainly stood out against all of the other shops. A closed sign hung on the door. I opened my mouth to point this out to Ichigo but then remembered we weren't customers.

"Wait till you see inside." Ichigo assured me with a grin, reaching for my hand and dragging me across the threshold.

I vaguely remember mum reading Harry Potter to me when I was younger... what was that magical sweet shop called?

Fuck, never mind. This place was better.

It was no bigger than a small supermarket: Tesco Express or somewhere like that.

But the sheer _number_ of sweets that cluttered the shelves and hung from the ceiling nearly made me pass out. They had everything in there... _everything_; every sweet you have ever eaten or dreamed of eating. A rainbow of chocolate, old fashioned sweets in jars, penny sweets, kilogram bags of harribo, curly wurly, skittles...

Ok I'm really not doing it justice, but...shit...

"Ichigo." I said. "I think I just jizzed my pants."

"So glad you like it." A voice said from behind a shelf.

Then a man appeared, smiling down at me.

"You must be Grimmjow. Nice to meet you. Urahara Kisuke, at your service." He bowed deeply and I cast a glance at Ichigo who cast me a grin before wondering off to browse the shelves.

I turned to Urahara again, who was regarding me smugly.

Was I missing something?

We looked at each other for a few seconds. He was obviously taking in my blue hair and general aura of 'touch me and I'll rip your fucking face off' because he raised an eyebrow curiously.

He had a scruffy haircut and stubble, and he dressed in shabby green robes. This made him look about ten years older than he probably really was. He couldn't have been older than 30.

The fact that he was wearing a stripy hat which cast a dark shadow around his eyes didn't help either, he looked a bit ill.

"Come with me." He told me, turning on the spot and walking away. We passed an empty checkout and I swear I saw someone riffling through a box behind it, but all I saw was a big curvy bum as they bent over.

I noticed a walking stick in Urahara's left hand. I frowned. He seemed to be pretty young, why the hell does he need a walking stick? But as he lead me through a door in the back of the shop and down some steps to what was obviously also his house, I didn't miss his quiet groan of pain as he tried to descend the steps nonchalantly.

_What's wrong with him?_ I wondered_. Ichigo did mention he wanted to reduce his hours. Is he sick?_

But of course, I wasn't going to ask.

Urahara quickly motioned me over to another room which appeared to be his office with a grin and the crook of his finger.

When we were inside he gestured to a chair in front of a desk and then took a seat himself.

"So." He started. "What days can you work?"

It really was that simple. I tried not to frown as Urahara and Ichigo later introduced me to a woman I would be working with called Nel, but I couldn't help it. Surely it isn't this straightforward? I felt like I'd cheated.* But I remembered something Dad said once.

"_It's not how good you are, it's who you know." _

_He winked at me and then told me to fuck off. I can't remember what we were talking about. _

Ichigo had obviously put in a good word for me. I was overcome by a stonge urge to kiss him but I held it in.

Nel was nice enough. A bit shy, but she had the hugest boobs I have ever seen. Seriously, I thought she had something stuffed down her shirt and was taking the piss. But as she chatted to me, I realised she was for real. She also had hair a startling shade of green, but really, who was I to criticise?

Then Ichigo said goodbye and made me promise to call him later.

"Bye." I said, a little too softly perhaps, because Nel gave me an odd look.

I wanted to snap at her, but I found I wasn't really sure what to say. The shop was empty for the moment and we were alone. I felt sort of nervous. I'm not good in situations like this where I'm left alone with someone I don't know or can't get a read on.

"It's hard to make friends in a new place, isn't it?" Her voice lisped slightly on the words 'friends' and 'place'.

"Yeah, I guess." I shrugged, but secretly wondered what she saw when she looked at me.

"You'll have to forgive me if I mess up when we work together; I haven't been in town long." She said, offering me an apologetic smile.

She lisped quite badly on the word 'forgive' and I realised she probably would have taken a lot of shit for it when she was younger. That explains why she looked so meek and anxious. I noticed she kept giving me a wobbly smile or laughing nervously at nothing in particular as she fiddled with things on the counter.

I usually get annoyed at people like her who have absolutely zero backbone, but I couldn't help but feel sorry for her as she idly twirled a moss-coloured strand of her hair and watched the people walk outside on the street. She looked slightly dazed.

I imagine I am exactly the kind of person she spends her life trying to avoid. I felt sort of bad for having a murderous aura. She hadn't done anything to upset me and I can't explain why it bugged me that she was clearly afraid, or at least overly aware of me.

"Um." Fuck, why did I feel compelled to say something? "How long have you lived here?"

"About 3 weeks." She told me, chuckling nervously again.

"Oh." I concluded, awkwardly.

"How about you?"

"Hm?"

"How long have you lived in Karakura?" It was an innocent enough question but I couldn't help but scowl at her and she blanched. She could have been asking just to be polite or...

"How did you know I'm not from around here?" I asked, feeling unnerved, but probably coming across as a rabid dog about to have a fit.

"Y-you don't look like you're from Karakura." She stuttered, clearly taken aback.

"Are people from Karakura supposed to look a certain way?" I asked harshly. I should really stop being such an asshole.

"No." She squeaked.

Well done, Grimmjow. Here's a _Cluster Fuck of the Year_ award for you to take home.

I sighed heavily. Stupid conscience. "Look..." I started to apologise, but Nel didn't seem to hear me.

"You just seem to be a bit like me. Kind of..."

"Scared?" I offered suddenly angry.

"No!" Nel suddenly straightened up and threw her shoulders back. She looked sort of intimidating since she had a couple of inches on me and boobs the size of steering wheels. "I'm not afraid! Afraid of what?"

I laughed, I couldn't help it.

"What?" She asked, her shoulders slumping, her face turning worried.

She really is like me.

"I'd never admit to being afraid either."

I don't think Nel understood right away, but a while later she seemed to warm up to me. She still got jumpy and nervous every time I cursed or scowled and each time I internally kicked myself.

Why can't I be more _friendly_?

I wish I had a switch I could turn off that would just stop me being such a prick to people. I'm ok most of the time with Ichigo, and then there are his friends in school, but random people I don't know, it's so hard to let my guard down and relax.

If I could, I think I'd have more friends. I'd be calmer, nicer, friendlier, more popular.

But I hope, for now at least, Nel can like me the way I am. I hope eventually she'll figure out that this is just the way I am and she shouldn't take it personally.

But I know the rest of the world will probably always have a problem with violent sociopaths like me.

**Tuesday 5th April**

Today I felt sort of emotional. If I was a girl, I'd be on my period right now.

After realising yesterday how hard it's going to be to win Nel over and make her see the good in me, I felt incredibly grateful for Ichigo, who seems to understand me with hardly any effort at all. Even Tatsuki and Chad and the others who I sit with at lunch seem to understand me to some extent.

I'm not sure but... would I consider them my friends now? They've crept their way into my daily routine and I've hardly noticed. There's still a lot of inside jokes I don't seem to get, not to mention I'll never be as close to Chad as Ichigo is, but Chad will never be as close to Ichigo as I am, so it works both ways.

It's hard to explain the concept of a friend. I seem to get on better with certain people about certain things.

With Tatsuki, our main similarity is that we love violence and fighting. She'll randomly give me a noogie or a headlock or a piggyback and it feels nice to know she feels comfortable with me. But I'd never dream of giving Ishida a piggyback, in fact, I'm pretty sure I'm about to die of laughter just imagining it. We're not very close and he comes across as a bit stuck up, but he likes to tease Ichigo and I like to tease Ichigo and we have bonded over this hobby. He seems more at ease with me than anyone else at the table at any rate. I like Ishida, but I think he keeps a lot to himself.

Orihime, I realised, is trying to take care of everyone but is terrible at looking after herself. She gives and gives and gives, and in return we all take the time to make sure she isn't being harassed or has a spare moment to feel lonely in. She doesn't get intimidated by me and seems to find my crass comments and glares funny, which makes me feel a lot more relaxed and able to be myself without fear of being misunderstood. Apparently she and Ishida went out for three days in year 8 and they do seem quite close, but I've been assured by both of them that they are just good friends.

Then there's Chad who is more of a backbone to the group than I had ever realised. He's just so solid and real and _there_. Every village has an idiot, but they also have a wise elder who is the voice of reason. He doesn't speak much, except when it's absolutely necessary, but when he does open his mouth, pretty much everything should be written down and put in an archive because you could stop wars with some of the shit he comes up with.

**Thursday 7th April**

Three words – _FUCKING RIGHT ON!_

I had another shift with Nel today and she showed me how to work the till (I've never seen so much money!), but that's mainly her job as I'm there to keep the shelves full and interesting. She showed me how to move the sweets with an earlier sell-by-date to the front of the shelf, how to check for damaged goods (I got to eat all the cracked bonbon's), how to keep everything fresh overnight and loads of other stuff to help maintain the shop. It doesn't sound like much, but all together it's a lot of work. I'm on my feet the whole time. The only consolation is that I get to eat everything that can't be sold. But that's not the reason today was fucking awesome.

Ichigo came to meet me when my shift ended at 8 and when we were just about to go, Nel called us over. She was looking nervous again.

"I know it's really short notice but I only just got the invite myself." She blushed. "A... guy... friend invited me to go to a gig in the city. The thing is, while I know he's a nice guy, I'm a bit... nervous about going on my own. Would you both come with me?"

It got even better.

"I-I can give you a lift there and back – we decided to drive there." She seemed to be convinced we weren't interested and appeared to be trying to persuade us. "It's only £15 or so to get in and no one will check for ID – Oh! But I won't be drinking! The band is awesome, I promise! You'll have such a good time! I know I've given you no notice what so ever, but I swear It'll be worth it-"

I held up a hand to silence her.

"We'd be glad to go with you, Nel." I didn't need to look at Ichigo to know he was buzzing, I could feel the excitement roll off him.

Nel flew at me and crushed me with a boob-hug attack.

"Thank you, Grimmjow! Oh, you guys are the best!"

We found out that the only 'downside' was that it was tomorrow night, but if anything, that just made us more excited. Ichigo walked part of the way home with me.

"This is amazing and all, but I don't actually know Nel all that well... and who's this guy she's bringing? Why was she so eager for us to go if she's got him?"

"I've only known Nel since she moved here but I can tell she struggles to be around new people." Ichigo told me, reaching for my hand absently. Why is he always so freakin' warm? "I think she really likes this guy and just wants us there for a sort of buffer, so she has some familiar faces to make her feel more at ease." Ichigo looks at me. "She likes you, y'know. She told me she thought you and her had a lot in common."

"She told you that?"

"Well, yeah. As far as I'm aware she only really talks to me, you and the others at work."

"Others?"

"Tessai, Jinta and Ururu – Oh, you haven't met them yet." Ichigo laughed. "You're in for a treat."

**Friday 8th April**

I'm such an idiot. Whatever happened to putting mum first or keeping more of an eye on her? Fuck. I never had a life but now I'm sort of scraping one together. Tatsuki and Ishida were talking about how we should all go camping together during the summer holidays but how can I leave mum for more than one night? What if she got hurt when I was away and I didn't find her till days later...

There's a thought to keep me awake at night.

But Ichigo was buzzing all day and he looked so excited about going...

I really want to go.

I've slept at Ichigo's before so this isn't any different, is it? I'll ring mum when I get there and when we leave and make sure everything's ok.

Nel said she'd pick us up from Ichigo's at 7 so I went home to change, grab some money and tell mum where I was going before I made my way to Ichigo's house. I actually met one of his sisters, Yuzu, before she went out to a sleepover. She was small and blond and didn't really resemble her brother at all. But then she opened her mouth and giggled at something on the TV and I felt my stomach flipflop because she sounded exactly like Ichigo.

She made dinner for us before she left, hugging her brother around the waist and shooting me a soft smile as she grabbed her things and dashed across the road to a friend's house nearby.

Apparently Ichigo's family aren't around much. Karin spends most of her time out playing with her friends or practising with her school sports team and Yuzu has her own circle of friends. Ichigo assured me that they are all very close and it's just the dynamics of their family. They all do their own thing.

Isshin, Ichigo's dad, is always in the clinic next door working if there's any kind of emergency.

We heard the doorbell go at bang on 7 o'clock and I opened the door to let Nel in, but ended up frozen in horror at what I saw.

"What the fuck are you doing here?" I nearly screamed at the man on the doorstep.

"Grimmjow! Don't be so rude!" Ichigo scolded, coming up behind me to see what was going on.

Nel appeared and smiled at us, ignoring my outburst, and gently reached for the hand of her companion.

"Grimmjow, Ichigo, this is my... umm, my date." She blushed and looked thoroughly embarrassed.

"Ulquiorra, this is Grimm and Ichi. They work with me at Urahara's Shouten."

"I've met Grimmjow before." Wide green, watery eyes regarded me plainly.

_Yeah you fucking have, you emo son of a bitch! You live right next door!_

Then the prick held out his arms like he was about to embrace his long lost son.

"Hello, best friend." He said blankly, his face devoid of any sort of emotion what so ever.

His expression was unreadable like it was the night on the balcony, but his lips twitched slightly with his effort not to laugh and his eyes shone with suppressed mirth. He was enjoying this.

I wanted to kill him.

"Fuck off-" I shouted, but I was unable to finish as I was swept up into a strong, bony hug that pulled me right off my feet. He was quite a bit taller than me, as most people are. Who isn't taller than a 15 year old? I haven't had a growth spurt in a while. At least I'm bigger than Ichigo.

"I missed you too. It's ok. I'm here." Ulquiorra patted my back soothingly and buried his face into my shoulder.

"Get _off_ me, you creepy fucker!" I struggled and when his grip loosened, I managed to give him a good kick to his shin, which quickly wiped the creepy smile off his face.

"Oh, Grimmjow! This is wonderful! I had no idea you and Qui-chan were friends!" Nel squealed, eyes shining with unshed tears.

"Not just friends, Nel. _Best_ friends." Ulquiorra reassured her, his face utterly serious.

"Asshole." I grumbled.

I turned to Ichigo who looked amused and I groaned internally.

"Let's go." I ordered, before anyone else could take a shit on my ego.

Nel has a tiny green fiesta and once we were all piled in, we were off.

It takes about 40 minutes to get to the city from Karakura and I loved watching all the lights get bigger and brighter as we got closer. We parked at the train station and then had to walk for ages to get to where ever we were going. Ulquiorra and Nel walked a little further ahead of us, wrapped up in each other, me and Ichigo lagged behind a bit, sharing a cone of chips and making vomiting noises when Ulquiorra's hand crept over Nel's ass.

I phones home quickly, while we were queuing to show our tickets, and everything was fine. Mum just mumbled the affirmative when I asked how she was feeling; she sounded sleepy so I quickly hung up.

The venue wasn't what I was expecting; an ultramodern university building with a huge winding staircase that went up 4 floors right through the centre of the building. We paid and then followed the crowd up the stairs to the top floor where there was a bar at one end and 4 sets of double doors at the other that lead to a dimly lit concert hall. I could already see the lights flickering on the stage and the silhouettes of people inside. But it was still early and apparently the support act weren't very interesting because most people were hovering by the bar or sitting at the tables that littered the room.

Two hours later and it was a different story.

This was like no gig I've ever been to before. Most places I've been to the venues are really small and theres never been more than about 150 people, so I felt relatively safe. I still felt safe here, but there was easily 600 all jumping around with us in the dark. I should have really checked with Nel first, to see what kind of music was going to be playing, but I'm sort of glad I didn't. I'm not a fan of mindless club music with a heavy baseline and hardly any real lyrics to appreciate.

But this... I guess it's true when they say that some things just have to be experienced.

The guy we saw was called Example. I've heard of him before; I'm pretty sure everyone has since popular music is so overplayed, but I've been so out of touch with music up until recently, I haven't really listened to his stuff.

I've never been afraid of the highest heights  
Or afraid of flying now  
I've never been afraid of the wildest fights  
Not afraid of dying

There were actually words to listen to and it was dark and claustrophobic and just so fucking _loud_. My heart felt like it was sitting on my tongue and I thought I was gonna be sick. But in a good way, if that's possible. I didn't let go of Ichigo's hand, not even once; Nel and Ulquiorra were long gone but I didn't care. Ichigo was going absolutely mental, screaming the lyrics and leaning all over me. It would have been annoying if I wasn't equally delirious.

Our love feels wrong please wind it back  
our love feels wrong cant hide the cracks  
I guarantee you'll miss me cuz you changed the way you kiss me

There was one annoying girl with a really big ass who kept body popping and knocking everyone within a 4 ft radius off their feet, but then disembodies hand and arms would just pull people back up again. Another girl finally hand enough of being jostled and when FatAss got ready to do another body roll, she hip bumped her and she went flying into a sweaty wall and got pushed to the back. Ichigo cackled and we both high fived her.

Then there was a really drunk guy with a huge blond afro who suddenly appeared, grabbed my wrist and forced me to touch his hair. Two seconds later he was bounding off into the crowd again.

It felt like we had been in there forever; it was like some dark sweaty ocean that would suddenly surge forwards or backwards, then a new song would start up and it was like everyone was reborn again, people would start screaming and jumping even louder and more fiercely than ever. It was contagious. I actually felt like I was losing my mind. There wasn't a mosh pit that I could see but every now and then the jumping would get rougher and people would get more hyped, but that was just until the song ended or they ran out of room.

After what felt like an eternity, Ichigo leant into my ear and asked if I wanted some fresh air. I suddenly realised my voice was almost gone and my throat was painfully dry. We made our way back through the crowd with wobbly knees and sticky skin. Ichigo brushed past an extreamly overweight guy at the back and squeaked.

"Fuck, that dude was such as asshole! Look, he wiped his sweat all over me." Ichigo grumbled as we stepped out into the bar area, which was considerably cooler and less noisy. Ichigo's arm looked like it had just been pulled out from under some water. "Fuckin' disgusting!"

"Haha! Nice." He made a poor attempt to wipe it on me and we ended up in the toilets under the hand dryer, trying to cool off.

Awhile later we made a beeline for the bar to get some drinks and joined the short queue.

The room was crowded with students all sporting plastic cups of larger; around the edges of the room were the more drunk people, propped up on chairs and left to sober up.

"We won't get ID'd here." Ichigo told me excitedly. "Practically everyone's a student."

I grinned at him then let my arm circle his waist. He leant into me slightly and we let the crowds of the line for the bar push us together even more. I never really think about being all touchy feely with Ichigo in public; I've only held his hand a handful of times. It's not that I'm insecure or anything, but most of the time it's like hanging out with a good friend; I don't need to claim him for my own.

Then I surprise myself by suddenly wanting to feel his dick against mine or kiss his fucking head off or hug him so tightly he can't breathe...

He's in love with me.

Am I in love with him?

"What can I get you?" The girl behind the bar asked me, smiling coyly and moving her chest up to eye-level.

I pulled out my money and asked for two pints of larger, trying to appear confident but nonchalant at the same time, as if I bought alcohol every day. Her boobs weren't that great. Orihimes were nicer. But Ichigo's chest takes the biscuit, all smooth and tan and his belly button is so cute and his nipples...

_Fuck_.

I licked my lips and turned to Ichigo, pressing the drink into his hand and leaning over to whisper into his ear huskily. "Come with me." I pulled him down the corridor leading to the toilets, but then took a left down another hallway and then another. We were tucked away from view.

We were laughing and spilling our drinks and tripping over each other and then his mouth was quite firmly latched onto mine. There was a table and I lifted him onto it, setting our drinks down and pulling him closer, kissing him furiously.

"Did that girls boobs make you horny?" Ichigo asked, half joking. I shook my head. "No. Yours do though." He laughed against my lips and I can't quite remember ever feeling happier.

One of my hands crept under his shirt and I rubbed my palm across a nipple, groaning at the noises he made in the back of his throat. His fingers bit into my ass as he pulled me closer, our dicks touching through our jeans. The coil of pleasure tightened and I had to stop for air.

"How come we don't do this more?" He asked suddenly.

"W-what'dyou mean?" I sounded breathless.

"Well, there was that time in my basement like, two weeks ago, but how come we haven't done anything since?"

I felt my jaw drop. I thought that was something Ichigo wanted!

We had some seriously heavy make out sessions but neither one of us took it further than that. I didn't want to force Ichigo to give me another blowjob (even though I really wanted one) because didn't Nnoitra, y'know... mess him up. What if he thought I was using him for sex?

"W-wha- I thought... I dunno. After Nnoitra... don't you wanna take things slow?"

Ichigo studied my face for a minute, his earlier smile sliding off his face, and for one horrifying moment I thought I'd said the wrong thing.

"I don't wanna think about Nnoitra. You're all I give a shit about." My heart literally felt like it was going to burst because we both knew what an understatement that was. "And no, I don't want to take things slow... unless... Do you want to go slow? Do you think this is too soon?"

"Fuck no." I told him honestly. "The world could end tomorrow and we'd both die with one less handjob than we could have had."

"Oh, thank god." Ichigo sighed dramatically, his face splitting into a grin as our mouths came together for another hot, wet kiss.

I love kissing Ichigo. His lips are soft and moist, but they hold their own. I love his hip bones too. Is that a weird place to have a fetish for? They fit right into my hands and I can feel every frustrated flex of his hips as he tries to get closer to the friction. I kiss across his jaw towards his ear and I intended to start kissing his neck but he gave a particularly delicious shudder when I exhaled in his ear so I took the soft lob into my mouth and Ichigo's reaction was amazing. He groaned louder than before and shuddered against me.

"You're sensitive here." I told him.

"No shit, Sherlock." He gasped as I licked the shell of his ear. Who would have guessed?

We kissed again and it was rough and slobbery and somehow just too fucking perfect.

I held his hips in place and grinded down onto his crotch without finess.

Ichigo moaned but there was a desperate edge to it which wasn't there before.

"Fuck, Ichi..." I glanced around frantically, looking for somewhere more private. I could still hear the music and people drinking by the bar...

"Fuck." I hissed again. Next thing I know I've dropped to my knees and I'm unbuttoning Ichigo's jeans.

I think I'm an exhibitionist.

I didn't beat around the bush. I've touched him before so why not like this?

I put his cock in my mouth.

It was salty... Yeah. Salty. I tried not to think about millions of little sperms swimming around, but I did and I ended up laughing, not a good idea with a dick in your mouth because I gagged big time.

"Sorry." I mumbled against Ichigo's thigh.

"It's ok, it's ok, just don't stop. Don't stop." Ichigo moaned breathlessly. His hips were twitching.

_Right. Ok. You can do this, Grimmjow. Suck it up._

I groaned internally at my own innuendo and tried again.

He felt silky in my mouth. Kind of slimy too. It wasn't terrible, I mean I wasn't dying or being sick or anything. It just felt weird.

I tried to remember what Ichigo did for me last time but I quickly discovered that there was no particularly special technique to giving head; half the pleasure was having a mouth around your cock and I pretty much had that bit sorted. The other half was finding all the little spots that were especially sensitive and a penis is only so big so it didn't take too long.

But after a couple of minutes I stopped focusing so much on what I was actually doing and looked up at Ichigo's face. His brow was furrowed and his mouth formed an O shape; I noticed how tightly his fingers gripped the edge of the table and how his hips and stomach twitched when I licked a particularly delicate spot. His breathing was heavy and he was moaning my name over and over like a fucking mantra.

"Faster, Grimm. _Fuck_..." He sounded so desperate, so urgent, I had to comply. I used my hand to set a brutal pace, my mouth nipping here and there and then Ichigo was clawing at the table, my hair, anything to hold him steady.

"Fuck, so close, Grimm. Ohh..." Ichigo threw his head back and arched off the table, my hands holding his hips down as he came.

But I wasn't prepared for his cum. The first load hit my lips. I got my mouth around the second and third but I swallowed without thinking.

I just sort of knelt there on the floor feeling slightly shocked.

I just swallowed Ichigo's jizz. What does that mean? His taste burnt my throat.

Ichigo laughed at my spaced out expression and tucked himself away. He pulled me onto the table to sit next to him and then he kissed my hair. "I'm so sorry, I should have warned you first."

"T-that's ok. I'm fine." And I was surprised to find that I really was ok with everything that had just happened. I felt Ichigo wipe at my face with a corner of his tee and realised I still had some of his load around my mouth.

I licked my lips and Ichigo pulled his hand away looking at me with wide eyes.

"Mmm. Strawberry." I grinned; it was cliché but I couldn't help myself.

But instead of getting annoyed like I thought he would, Ichigo suddenly had me pinned on my back on the table, his eyes fixing me with his black stare that was pretty much all I thought of when I jerked off in the shower.

"You have no idea how hot you are! This is ridiculous!" He crushed his lips against mine and I felt myself gasp as he ground his thigh against my straining dick.

Then Ichigo was gone and I was staring bleary eyes at the white cracked ceiling. Next second he was undoing my jeans and reaching in my boxers. I felt his white hot mouth on me and I was gone in under two minutes.

My breath wouldn't come to me and my chest was heaving.

_That was brutal. _

"Shit..."

Ichigo appeared in my line of vision, wiping his mouth and laughing at me for a second time.

"Who's the seme now?" He teased, pulling me into a sitting position and joining me on the table.

"Yeah, I let you push me down like that. Thought it'd make you feel more manly." I replied nonchalantly, folding my arms and sniffing.

"Yeah, alright then." Ichigo snorted disbelievingly.

"Wanna go back?" I asked a short while later after we finished our drinks.

"Yeah, let's bail."

He gave me one last peck on the lips before grabbing my hand and leading me back into the moving sea of sweat and people.

_Who's the seme now?_

I look at the back of Ichigo's head as he pulls me along. Could I let him top me? I just assumed it would be me fucking him...

To let him in like that, physically and mentally, to trust him so deeply and let him have me so entirely... Could I do that? Just hand myself over to him?

The night ended with a blast.

Two really drunk guys let me and Ichigo onto their shoulders during the last song and I literally felt like I was ascending into heaven.

Then it was over. We waited outside for Nel and Ulquiorra who were both pink in the face and looked thoroughly exhausted. We made a quick stop at burger king before heading back to the car.

We spent a while discussing the gig, but we soon fell into a sleepy silence. Ulquiorra drove and Nel slept like a baby. Ichigo was soon dozing as well and I wonder if its creepy that I couldn't take my eyes off him. But then the engine noise lulled me to sleep as well.

What seemed like an age later, I heard voices. We were still moving, but more slowly than before. We must be close to home.

"How long have you and Grimm been going out for?" It was Nel's voice.

"We're not... It's more..."

And I realised we never made it official. Ichigo isn't my boyfriend.

"He isn't my boyfriend." Fuck. Ichigo sounded kind of... sad? "But... that's ok, I guess. What we've got now..." I felt his hand brush against my fingers and I could hear the gentle smile in his voice. "It's perfect."

I felt relieved we were on the same page. This is perfect, isn't it? We don't have to tell anyone, we don't have to hold hands every five seconds, we don't have to change our stupid relationship status' on facebook; there are no expectations nor any chains to hold us down. We are simply friends who sink in the temptation of a kiss or a touch.

But that's not true at all really, is it?

_Friends_.

That's bullshit. Ichigo is in love with me and I... care one hell of a lot about him.

There are feelings. There always have been but we've both tried to downplay everything. We're 15, this isn't a big deal...

But it is. It's a very big deal. Ichigo loves me and I'm not afraid of that.

Then the car came to a stop and Ichigo was gently shaking me awake. I was surprised by how tired I was all of a sudden; my arms and legs felt like lead. We bid goodnight to Nel and Ulquiorra (who tried to hug me again, and I'm ashamed to admit I was too tired to push him away) and Ichigo lead me into his house. The lights were off but I felt my way towards the kitchen in search of the basement door. Ichigo grabbed my arm and shook his head, guiding me to the stairs.

I realised I had never been in Ichigo's room before.

The walls were a pale blue, but mainly covered with posters and photos. In the corner was a desk and under the window was a very comfy looking bed. The room was pretty tidy except for a corner where a TV and games console has been set down on the floor; piles of games were pushed up against the walls and littered the floor around the TV. There was a tall wide bookshelf against a wall stacked high with thick volumes; everything from Shakespeare to medical textbooks.

"I didn't know you like Shakespeare." I said incredulously, watching Ichigo strip down to his boxers.

I don't really know anything about him, do I?

"Mmm." Ichigo hummed in agreement and began to pull off my clothes. Sleep was flooding my brain; I felt slow and sluggish. Ichigo had to take my socks off for me as well because I was so lethargic.

"Cheers." I slurred, my brain crashing.

Ichigo snorted and pulled back the covers. We scrambled in and as we got comfortable, I tried to muster the courage to... not ask Ichigo out, that was just stupid, but...

I had to give him some sort of sign that I understood how he felt and I was 90% sure I was falling for him and I wasn't sure if I wanted him to fuck me but I was almost certain I wanted to fuck him and that had to count for something, right?

So I did the only thing I had energy left to do.

I wrapped my arms around him entirely and pulled him flush against my body.

"I got'cha, Ichigo." I mumbled against his hair. "I got'cha back, no matter what. Nothin' can stop me from being with you like this."

The last thing I felt before I fell asleep was a pair of ghostly lips against my own.

_*That's pretty much how I got my first job when I was 15. Although I was stuck cleaning sweaty changing rooms. One guy was still in the shower when I went in to clean and when I saw him walking around naked, I'm ashamed to say I screamed my head off, threw a bucket at him and ran for the hills. I was quite dramatic back then. Hahah._


	13. Week 9

**Monday 11th April**

I think it's pretty safe to say that last friday was the best day of my life.

Me and Ichigo spent pretty much the whole weekend enjoying mutual masturbation and rubbing each other raw. I swear I have actual friction burns on my dick. It feels fucking amazing. Every time my jeans rub against my crotch I just get another boner.

I don't think Ichigo's fairing any better; he's now got a permanent blush on his cheeks and neck and I fucking love how it looks on the bit of collar bone peeking out from the top of his school shirt.

Of course I didn't forget about mum and although I spent most of the daytime at Ichigo's, he slept over at my house Saturday night and met mum for the second time. She was unusually quiet. I think its because she doesn't know Ichigo very well and was just feeling shy. Ichigo didn't seem to mind, although after we turned the light off and snuggled up together on my bed, he said something that made my blood run cold.

"You know my dad's a doctor, right?" He whispered, seeming to already know I'd take his words badly.

"Don't even think about it. Don't even dream about thinking about doing it." My voice came out in a deadly breath.

But Ichigo wrapped his arm around my stomach and nuzzled his head into the crook of my neck.

"Never. Not unless you wanted me to."

Neither of us spoke again before we fell asleep.

I woke up Sunday morning wondering why I was in such a foul mood but then I noticed Ichigo all snuggled up against my side and all the bitterness just melted away into nothing.

I traced his soft skin with my fingers and by the time my touches woke him up, I was smiling broadly and I could hardly remember why I was angry to begin with.

**Tuesday 12th April**

Today a nine-year-old kid threatened to teabag me.*

After I realized that it wasn't anatomically possible for him to do so, and that he had no idea what teabaging actually entailed, I decided to let him off with just a wedgie.

He followed me all the way to Urahara's yelling something about a rematch. Once we got inside he was ambushed by a man who kind of reminded me of a barber (but I'm not really sure why…) and a little girl who was a shy as the littled red-haired shit was loud.

Together they got him in a full body lock and then dragged him into the back room as he screamed about dirty tactics.

Turns out Ichigo wasn't kidding when he said meeting the other employees at Urahara's would be a nice little treat.

I later learnt the boy is called Jinta, the girl, Ururu and the man is Tessai.

Honestly, that place is like a special school.

**Wednesday 13th April**

I have one of the best nights of my life with Ichigo barely 4 days ago and now I feel like a gutted animal rotting on the pavement. I feel hollow.

Empty.

Dead.

I got home at about half eight and the sun was making the sky bleed orange and yellow. I was sort of caught off guard at what a nice view it made so I took a few seconds to look before reaching into my bag for my front door key, only to come up empty handed.

I groaned and slumped against the front of my apartment. I knew I forgot something.

I knocked and called out but there were no signs of movement from inside. I reached into my bag and rang the home phone because mum usually answers it since the ringtone is so annoying.

I pressed my forehead against the door and my phone to my ear. After a few seconds I heard ringing on the other side of the door. But that's all I heard. No grumbling or the shuffling of mum's slippers against the floor.

Great. Now I'm locked out.

Suddenly I felt something cold press against my neck and I swung around, ready to attack, but my wrist was snatched up and held in an iron grip and I realized it was an ice-cold can of coke which was being held against my face.

I looked up into sedated brown eyes and I realized I'd seen this guy before.

"The nosy asshole from the balcony…"

"And also your neighbor. Names Starrk. Wanna drink?" He hardly seemed fazed by the way I spoke to him.

"Is Ulquiorra home?" I asked cautiously, remembering that they were both roommates. No fucking way am I letting that creep assault me again.

"No." Starrk smirked as if he knew exactly what I was thinking. He opened the door to his flat and held it open for me. "Come in."

I paused. I don't even know this guy. Plus he's handing out free drinks. What if he's trying to drug me?

But I turned to my own front door again and scowled at it. I'll try opening it later. Maybe I can find something to pick the lock.

I walked past Starrk into his flat.

The first thing I noticed was that all the flats in this building must be exactly the same. Starrk's house was a mirror image of mine with the added difference it made having two young guy's living together.

There were dirty paper plates and plastic cutlery littering the kitchen (when I asked him about it, Starrk said this way he didn't have to do any washing up), as well as empty crumpled cans of beer and a pile of dirty laundry piled high on the kitchen table. I noticed the coffee table that was dominated by a huge map of somewhere and the fridge which was covered in postcards from Milan, San Franciso, Sydney; you don't have to be a genius to work out that someone is desperate to get out of here.

Starrk offered me a seat in the lounge area and moved some magazines so I could sit down. I glanced around at the walls, which were a pale green color and covered in various kinds of paintings, sketches and charcoal drawings. I noticed one above the TV that was of a costal landscape in the middle of the night, with the moon shining down over thrashing waves. I know fuck all about art, but whoever painted that has some kind of gift. I could almost see the stars peeking out through the clouds in the sky.

But the one thing I wish I could take home with me was the moose head that was mounted above the heater. Someone had put a Fez on his head and stuffed a cigar in his mouth. Poor bastard.

I jumped about a foot in the air when a heap of clothes (which I assumed was another pile of dirty laundry) grunted and rolled over on the sofa opposite me. Turns out it was a very haggard and gruff looking man. Even lying down he appeared to be at least 6ft tall. He had scruffy brown hair, a lot like Starrk's, but it was much longer and matted. He had the aura of someone who needed a good wash. I noticed an empty bottle of sake in his hand.

"That's Shunsui. Don't mind him." Starrk supplied, smirking at my expression, and sitting down on the floor, tucking his feet under the coffee table.

Suddenly the man stirred and blinked at us blearily.

"Have a nice kip?" Starrk asked him teasingly. "You look gorgeous."

I tried not to laugh.

Shunsui looked to be many things. Hairy. Disheveled. Hungover. Rough as fuck.

But not at all remotely gorgeous.

Shunsui's sleepy face suddenly split into a wide grin and he burst into song.

"There are nine million bicycles in Beijing~! That's a fact! It's a thing we can't deny… Like the fact that I will love you till I die~!" He sung in a deep false bravado voice and clearly thought he was somewhere else. Perhaps a place where his singing would be appreciated, for example.

"That was lovely, Shun. Ready for bed?" Starrk said in a sarcastic motherly voice; Shunsui wasn't listening.

"Heck yeah." He slurred slightly, before curling up into a ball on the sofa and not moving again.

"He just got divorced." Starrk told me, as if that explained the mans odd behavior. He gestured to another three empty bottles of sake by the kitchen sink. "He came around about two days ago with a crate of alcohol and hasn't gone home since."

I wasn't sure whether to laugh or not so I popped the lid to my coke can.

"Are you an artist, or something?" I gestured to the walls. Starrk snorted.

"No, that's Ulquiorra. The guy decided he wants to be an art teacher so he's doing teacher training or whatever at the local university. He hasn't been home in a couple of days, though. The place isn't usually this messy. I think he's got a girlfriend."

_Ulquiorra and Nel having a little sleep over then?_

"So." Starrk began suddenly. "Ulquiorra tells me you're dating a boy."

I glared at him with as much anger as I could muster, but he just looked at me steadily from over the rim of his own coke can.

I see. He wants me here so he can pry into my life. Fuck that. I stood up and slammed my drink down. It sloshed over my hand but I couldn't give a shit. I was halfway to the door before Starrk spoke again.

"There's nothing wrong with that. I've got a thing for guys too."

"So?" I nearly screamed at him. "I don't care! Get away from me you creepy fag!"

"Hey." Starrk's voice went unnervingly cold in the blink of an eye. "Don't use language like that in front of me."

I actually felt sort of bad… but I'll never apologize.

"I'll leave. Problem solved." I spat.

"I just wanna be friends." I hated how smooth and calm his voice was.

"Ulquiorra acts like he's my best friend as well! What's wrong with you both-?"

Starrk's words cut through anything I was going to say, each syllable pierced with exasperated frustration.

"A blue haired delinquent moves in next door and we hear his mother screaming every other day. I'm pretty sure the whole block is talking about you. I'm just offering you a helping hand if you need it."

My ears were suddenly ringing.

"W-what?"

But we both know I heard him fine.

"Y-you hear…"

I felt sick.

"Do you feel sorry for me?" I asked quietly. I wasn't sure if I was going to have a melt down or not.

Starrk seemed to struggle with that question slightly, and when he answered, I knew he was being honest.

"Yeah, I do. I also kinda respect you, though, if that makes sense. I don't know the details but I couldn't put up with what you put up with over there." He gestures through the wall to my flat on the other side.

_Wasn't I supposed to be charging out of the room in anger?_

I felt so deflated all of a sudden.

"Sit down, kid. I just wanna get along." He said again.

_I guess it's not like I have anything to lose. Except my life. I really hope he didn't drug my drink. _

I reluctantly took my seat back on the sofa and slouched on it looking down at Starrk grumpily.

"So, what's his name?" He asked.

I glared ay him before answering. I haven't told anyone about Ichigo; it's not like I have anybody to tell anyway.

"Ichigo."

"Like Strawberries?"

"Yeah."

"Cute."

"He'd kick your ass if you said that to his face."

Starrk laughed. I felt my lips twitch but I suddenly sobered up.

_I'm curious. _

"H-how old were you when you realized… y'know. That you liked guys?" I mumbled, staring a Shunsui's empty sake bottle.

"About 18 or so."

"Isn't that a bit old?"

"No, not really. Some people don't realize until much later. Everyone's different." Starrk looked sort of amused. "You're pretty new to this, aren't you?"

I huffed and tried not to get mad again. "Like that's even my fault."

"It's not so different from being with a girl, you know. There isn't anything special you need to know about having a relationship with a guy."

I grumbled and rolled my eyes and tried to pretend I already knew that.

"You know, I never felt attracted to men until I got drunk one time in my last year of school and made out with my best friend." Starrk said idily, wiping moisture off his can.

I raised my eyebrows and for some reason felt surprised Starrk was even telling me this. We are total strangers, after all.

"Really? You never thought about it until then?"

"Nope. Never. I was happy with girls. Confident about that fact, actually." Starrk laughed and pressed his fingers against his eyes like he was fighting off a headache. "I couldn't have been more wrong. I couldn't stop thinking about that stupid kiss and then… well, I fell for him pretty hard."

I barked out a humorless laugh. "Shit."

"You're telling me." Starrk muttered under his breath, and I wasn't sure if I was supposed to hear or not. "It was quite a shock to suddenly have the urge to wanna bend him over the table and fuck his lights out."

"I can relate to that." I told him, thinking of friday night and how I might not ever be able to look at a table without getting a boner ever again. "What happened then? Did you go out with him?"

"Hah. Are you crazy? He's straight. Falling in love turned me into a total masochist, though. I offered to rent a flat with him after we finished school because neither of us had plans to move away." Starrk sighed deeply before laughing at himself again. "I totally asked for this."

But Starrk didn't look like he had a broken heart. He just sat there looking calm, collected; he even managed to laugh at his own misfortune. But there was definitely something lingering under the surface. Something sad and hurt and lonely.

_Perhaps that's why he's telling me all of this._

Then it clicked.

"_He hasn't been home in a couple of days, though. The place isn't usually this messy. I think he's got a girlfriend."_

"_I offered to rent a flat with him after we finished school."_

Its this flat… This flat he shares with-

"You're in love with Ulquiorra."

"Yep."

Starrk smiled slightly and ripped the metal opener off his empty coke can.

"Don't hold it against him, though. I've never told him and he doesn't know. He's been an amazing friend to me and I'd never weigh him down with my crap. Besides, I'm going traveling next year. Australia. Fresh start. Boo yaa." Stark crumpled the can in his hands and threw it across the room into the sink.

How exactly are you supposed to react when someone tells you they love someone who doesn't love them back? I'm pretty sure Starrk doesn't want a hug (not that I'd ever give him one) and he doesn't seem to be the sort of person who'd go telling his life story to random people he just met without a good reason for doing so. So I just sit there quietly, slightly in awe of his selflessness.

When Starrk glanceed at me again, I knew that was the end of that particular conversation.

"How old are you exactly?" I asked him, eager for a change of topic, but still curious.

"I was 25 in January."

"Woah, you're a whole decade older than me!"

The slight tenseness melted away and I grinned as Starrk's expression turned from sober to irritated.

"When I'm 25, you'll be 35 and when I'm 35, you'll be 45. Old man! You'll be an old man!" I leered at him.

"You know you're a little shit, right? I invite you into my humble abode and you slag me off like a bitch. You're lucky you're not sat outside in the cold." Despite his words, there's an edge of sarcasm to his voice. "Speaking of which – why were you standing around outside? Did you get locked out?"

Starrk laughs as I wince.

Ten minutes later, it's me who's laughing as Stark straddles the gap between our two balconies, a leg over either metal railing.

"This is so uncomfortable – ah! My bollucks…" He hit himself in the crotch as he pulled his other leg over. I tried so hard not to laugh as I held his arm steady for him.

But then I caught a glance down.

We were three floors up and there was nothing but thick shrubs and tree branches below us.

_If Starrk fell he'd…_

"Hey, Grimmjow. You can let go now."

"R-right."

"Don't worry. Go wait by your front door and I'll let you in."

"Ok. Try to be quiet though, I think my mum's sleeping."

"Gotcha."

I ran out of Starrk's flat and waited impatiently by my front door. I need to think of a way to thank him for what he's done. The door opened.

"Starrk, thankyou-"

But something in his expression made me pause.

"Grimmjow, there's no one here."

Why does Starrk's voice sound so far away?

Deep breath.

"Don't be stupid!" I said angrily. "Don't joke about stuff like that, you asshole! It's not funny!"

I pushed past him and headed for my mother's room. The door was open, but that's not so unusual.

But mum wasnt in her bed.

I scowled and walked around it. Did she fall off?

Under it. Maybe she's hiding? In the bathroom. She wanted a shower? In my room. Perhaps she couldn't sleep?

_The kitchen._

_The cupboards_

_The living room._

_The spare room._

_The boxes in the spare room. _

_The closet._

"She's not here." Starrk told me, grabbing my arm and dragging me away from the sofa I didn't even know I was tearing apart.

"What do I do?"

My voice came out louder than I had intended. Or maybe I was whispering. I don't know. The world seemed weird. Kind of foggy. Blurred around the edges. Starrk suddenly let go of me.

"Damn it, Grimmjow."

I realized I'd been digging my nails into his arm; blood streamed down the back of his hand.

"Sorry." I screamedwhisperedshouted.

_What the fuck is going on?_

Starrk just stood there, clenching at his wrist and looking panicked.

That's not right. Adults are supposed to know everything. They're supposed to know what to do at times like this.

It is then I noticed the balcony doors standing ajar. They had to be unlocked for Starrk to get in.

I saw the darkening silhouettes of the trees outside and my breath caught in my throat.

_Did she fall?_

_Down, down, down, down, down, down… thump…_

"Grimmjow?" A hand on my shoulder. I looked up into the worried face of Starrk. "You've been staring at the same spot for fifteen minutes. Are you ok?"

I ignored everything he said. "Did you call the police?"

"Yeah. They're on their way. I checked with our neighbors too; no one's seen her."

"Thanks."

"Grimmjow…" I could tell he felt bad. Kind of out of his depth. Like he wasted my time by talking to me and now mum is-

_Down, down, down, down… _

I swallowed thickly and shook my head.

"It's not your fault. Don't feel bad. Mum was sick."

Besides, it's my fault. All mine. No one else's.

_I should never have left her. _

xoxox

"Hello? …Hellooo? Grimmjow? Are you there? Grimm?" I let Ichigo say my name a few times before I respond. I love the sound of his voice.

"My mum's gone."

"Gone? Where? What do you mean?"

"I don't know."

xoxox

Next I rang Zaraki. He told me he'd be right over.

"Keep it together, kid." He said to me.

"Okay."

xoxox

_What the fuck have I been doing? _

Deluding myself into thinking I could take care of her? So what if I wanted to? So what if I had good intentions?

This is the real word.

And here, people like me are called idiots.

xoxox

The police arrived and I told them everything. Every little detail, every slip up mum ever made.

And how I stayed silent.

They didn't like that. I could tell they though I was a moron.

_Yeah. Guess what? I know. _

I told them about my dad, about how he died and left mum in my care. I told them about how I held her down while she screamed.

The police were calm, level headed, but also doubtful. I didnt like them.

They said mum could have gone to the shops, to visit a friend - she could be back in an hour or two.

I screamed at them. I'm not sure what I said. Something about lies, that this was all a sick attempt to calm me down.

_I'm beginning to realize that this is it now. I will look after her till she's an old woman. My life will be on hold until she isn't around anymore. I guess that sounds pretty terrible but I don't think I ever had much of a life anyway. You can't miss what you don't have. _

But it wasn't about that at all.

Secretly it felt good to have someone to rely on me; to need me. She would have been better off in a home or with proper care, but I wanted to be the one to save her. I wanted it to be me.

Not dad, not some doctor.

Me.

I love her so much but I was only really thinking of myself.

I left the two police officers and Starrk in the living area and run into the bathroom.

I didnt quite make it and some vomit got on the green tiled floor. I spnt half a second looking for something to mop it up with, before another surge of sick distracted me.

Ten minutes later I was shivering on the bathroom floor, feeling cold and more drained than I can ever remember feeling in my entire life.

I suddenly heard voices outside and I realised Zaraki and Ichigo must have arrived. I could hear them talking, demanding answers, demanding information.

I reached for the sink and pulled myself up. The reflection that greeted me in the mirror was a sorry looking thing. I looked deathly pale and my eyes, which I was always quite fond of, seemed dull and grey.

I struggled for a few moments with a sudden surge of hysteria.

I didn't ask for this, but it's happening anyway.

I don't want to deal with it, but I have to.

I wish it wasn't my fault…

But it is.

xoxox

When I left the bathroom, surprisingly, Nel and Ulquiorra were there too. Zaraki, Ichigo, and a man who I think was Ichigo's dad stood next to them, and they all froze at the sight of me.

"Hi." I said casually, offering a wave and a smile. I didnt fool them for a second.

_Geez, this is painful._

I must have looked pretty fucking pathetic in that moment because Nel rushed forwards and almost pulled me off my feet in a hug.

I squirmed and gently pushed her away.

_I don't want you. I want my mum._

The words were on the tip of my tongue.

Ichigo looked awkward. I could tell he was nervous that I'd reject him as well. His brows were furrowed deep with worry and I really wanted to kiss him.

But before I could so much as move, Zaraki was screaming at me.

"WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING, YOU IDIOT? YOU SHOULD HAVE SAID SOMETHING! DON'T YOU TRUST US; TRUST ME? YOUR LIKE ONE OF MY OWN, I WOULD HAVE UNDERSTOOD-!"

Then Zaraki picked me up. I genuinely thought he was going the throw me out the window or slam me into the floor.

Instead he hugged me.

"WHAT THE FUCK? HOW COULD I LET THIS HAPPEN?"

My ears were ringing and I was numb from shock.

Eventually I hug him back and let him protect me.

_If only for a moment._

xoxox

Starrk said I could sleep in his bed. My own flat seemed much emptier without mum there.

I've never slept in a double bed before. It smelt like Starrk, unfamiliar but comforting at the same time. I could hear people talking outside and eventually Ichigo crept in. He climbed into bed next to me but made no move to touch me. I'm so glad he didn't. My head was spinning and my stomach was twisted with worry.

"I feel sick." I said. Sick with guilt, sick with fear.

Ichigo's eyes begun to fill with tears. He looked so beautiful. It's was obscurely comforting to see someone else cry when it should be me falling apart.

"I wish I could make things better." He whispered. He sounded so helpless. So frustrated.

I smiled slightly despite myself. "Yeah. I wish that too."

But I think we both knew that wishing isn't enough anymore.

This is real. This is how it is.

No one cares what you _wish_ for.

**Thursday 14th April**

I had a dream about mum last night. She was leaning over the railings on the balcony, her long blond hair dangling over the darkness beneath her.

Bright stars shone above her.

She went on tippy toes and slipped forwards another few inches, her abdomen pressing against the cold hard metal.

"_Mum…__**don't**__."_

I'm lying on the floor behind her in the living room, looking up at the backs of her legs. I raise my arm and try to reach for the cotton of her dress, but it slips through my fingers like smoke.

Her feet leave the floor and she is now virtually doubled over. She still keeps slipping.

"_You're my mother. I __**need**__ you." _

"_That's the nicest lie I ever heard, Grimm." _

Then her legs fly over the top of the railings and she is falling out of sight.

I woke up feeling terrified. Ichigo was still asleep next to me. I glanced at the clock. 4 am.

I crept out into the living area; Starrk was fast asleep on the sofa opposite Shunsui who was still unconscious. I slipped between them and opened the door to Starrk's balcony. I shivered.

_Is it the cold? Or is it just me? _

When I looked up, there was no moon or starts or anything. No light. No hint of morning. But I couldn't bring myself to look down.

What if she's down there? Lifeless. A corpse.

In my head I see her lying broken and bloodied, dead leaves scattered around her; her eyes open, unseeing.

I can't take _not knowing_.

I wedged a shoe in Starrk's front door so I could creep back in later, unnoticed. I made my way down the stairs, exiting the apartment complex; walking along the front of the building and then down pavement to the side of it. A main road ran directly next to me, but there were no cars this time of morning. It was silent.

Like I was trapped in a noiseless void.

I came to where the back of the building meets the woods behind. There was a street lamp that cast it's artificial light a short distance in, and I approached it, squinting into the thick woodland, trying to see if my nightmares were going to be confirmed.

But I was still too scared to go in. I stood there, on the edge of the woods, until the sun began to rise.

The sky was bleeding again.

Then I began to walk.

As I tripped through the under growth, I remembered I wasn't wearing shoes.

The dead bracken and bits of twig felt like broken bones under my feet.

I caught my foot on something and went flying. I cried out and scratched my arm on a tree trunk. As soon as I got my sense back, I spun around and… it was only a fallen tree.

There was just enough light to make out the side of the building a few meters in front of me. I looked upwards and counted windows. If mum fell she would have landed right… there…

But there was no corpse. There was nothing. Only a few empty cans of beer and some cigarette butts.

She isn't here. She didn't fall.

But for some reason I still didn't feel any better.

_Where are you?_

**Friday 15th April**

Zaraki wanted me to stay with him but I just wanted to be with Ichigo and no amount of persuasion could change my mind.

I felt sort of bad that this was my first time meeting Isshin and I couldn't make a good impression. He probably thinks I'm absolutely bat-shit insane. Great.

We slept in Ichigo's basement and folded out the good old sofa bed. Neither of us went to school, we just sat around talking about whatever we wanted and watching TV.

I couldn't shake the feeling as if I was waiting for something.

It's just... It can't end like this. Will I never ever, ever, _ever_ see my mother again? Because that just doesn't seem possible. I've got to see her again. She can't be gone _forever_. That's stupid.

I wonder what happens to people they can't find. Will they eventually be labeled as deceased? Or will they just be known as missing until the day the world ends?

I look over at Ichigo lying next to me in the bed. You know, he sleeps on his belly, arms tucked under the pillow all snuggled up. He looks adorable like this.

I wish I could sleep as peacefully as him.

I feel helpless. It's as if everything is beyond me and I have absolutely no control. My life doesn't really feel like my own anymore.

I am Grimmjow but I'm not living the life of Grimmjow. I'm not doing the things I want to do or feeling the feelings I want to feel. People are always getting in my way; pushing me around, steering me into dead ends with no way out.

I tried to remember the song Chad told me to listen to on that CD he lent me last week.

I tried to remember what I ate the last time I had breakfast with mum.

I tried to remember the first time I ever watched Saw, and how badly I shit my pants.

I tried to remember how it felt to have Ichigo's lips around my cock when we disappeared together during the gig last Friday.

I tried to remember why I was sitting on the floor biting my nails and watching Ichigo sleep.

I tried to remember the last time I ever felt safe and normal.

_But I couldn't. _

Ichigo woke up. I saw him wriggle around in the bed for a second until he realized I wasn't there. He sat bolt upright and when he saw me sitting on the floor, I saw relief flicker in his eyes, quickly followed by concern.

"Grimmjow?" He climbed off the bed and sat next to me, touching my arm tenderly. "What's wrong?"

But I couldn't feel a thing.

Not his finger tips ghosting across my skin, or his warm breath washing over my face.

I hugged him tightly.

"Grimm." He sounded scared. "_Please._ Tell me what's wrong."

"Fuck me." I whispered. "Now. Right now."

He stiffened. "No, Grimm. Not now... Holy shit, you're shaking like... Fuck, Grimmjow."

"Fuck me Ichigo." I repeated. "Now or never. Do it. Please? _Please_, just do it… God, just _do it_!"

"Ok, ok. Calm down! Why are you breathing so... Ok, keep calm. Try to keep breathing, slow down, stop freaking out. Breath: in, out. Dad! DAD! GET DOWN HERE!"

But I can't. I can't breathe. It's so fucking difficult. In, out? How do I do that?

"DAD! WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU?"

I feel cold. I'm being smothered. He's telling me to breathe but I can't. There's roaring in my ears. My chest hurts and I feel so afraid.

_Mum… Mummy…_

Then there's only blackness.

_*Teabaging - something I have only read about until I saw a guy do it to this poor kid who was sleeping on a sofa in sixth-form. I thought 'What on earth is he - OH MY GOD! HE HIT HIM WITH HIS TESTICLES!' Haha._


	14. Week 10

**Sunday 17th April**

I saw her dancing around the edge of my consciousness.

So pale. So beautiful.

But always slightly out of sight.

I'd see her out of the corner of my eye but when I'd turn to look properly, she was nothing more than a wisp of smoke.

Was she ever even there to begin with?

I woke up feeling like I'd just had my head up a dog's asshole.

Someone was holding a glass of water out for me to drink.

I blinked at it stupidly for a few seconds and then reached out for it with shivering hands. But the person holding the glass placed a firm hand on my arm to still me. The glass was lifted to my mouth, and instead of dwelling on how pathetic this whole situation was, I welcomed the cool liquid as it soothed my dry throat.

The empty glass was set aside and I looked up into the smiling face of Ichigo's father.

I remembered the conversation I had with Ichigo about his dad. It had mainly consisted of Ichigo writing his father off as a retard, but I was slightly confused as to why Ichigo seemed proud of this fact. This man didn't look like an idiot to me.

"My name is Isshin Kurosaki, Grimmjow." He said with a smile. "I hear you're good friends with Ichigo." I honestly wasn't sure what to say to that.

_Err, yeah. I suck his dick, he sucks mine. We're pretty tight. _

He didn't seem to mind that I had no answer for him.

"How are you feeling?" He asked me.

Then I remembered how I ended up in a hospital bed.

_Oh holy shit._

"Fan-fucking-tastic." I bit out irritably. My whole body felt like mush.

"Any chest pain?" He questioned, ignoring my scowl and pulling out a stethoscope then doing the whole doctor routine.

"No." My own answer surprised me. It felt like I was having a heart attack or something before I, er…

"What happened?" I asked, feeling confused.

Isshin smiled at me in reassurance.

"You were having a panic attack." He told me slowly. "What you experienced was a intense sensation, nothing more. Your heart was racing but you wouldn't worry if you were breathless from running for the bus, would you? You have nothing to worry about."

I felt settled and alarmed all at the same time.

_A panic attack? Oh man, that's lame. _

But I remembered a girl who lived next door to us in Las Noches. She used to have panic attacks all the time. Her parents would fight and she'd sit on her doorstep, looking ready to pass out. She looked as terrified as I felt last night.

_What if this happens again? Am I a basket case now?_

"Grimmjow." Isshin was watching me carefully. "I need to talk to you about your mother."

My heart dropped like a rock.

I closed my eyes for a second and saw the black sea of treetops below our balcony.

_But she wasn't there._ _She isn't dead. She's not a corpse._

I blinked furiously for a few seconds, horrified by the watery sting in my eyes.

Isshin looked away for a few moments while I tried to get a grip before continuing.

"Police have to wait 48 hours before someone is deemed as a Missing Person and they can begin their search," He told me, frowning slightly as if he thought the police were idiots. "But they agreed on Wednesday that it was best to begin looking right away because she could be a potential danger to herself."

Isshin sighed, as if he really didn't want to tell me any of this, and placed his hand on my arm again. "I'm sorry, but they haven't found any traces of her. As far as they are concerned, it's as if she dropped off the face of the earth. No one has seen her, so they don't have any leads and that makes their job very difficult."

_I knew it. I always have. They won't find her. She isn't dead but is this really any better? What if she's hurt? Or lost? What if some sicko finds her and takes advantage…_

"I'm tired." My voice didn't sound like my own. "I'd like to be left alone."

Isshin looked torn.

"Ichigo wants to see you. He's been so worried."

"I want to sleep."

_I want to forget._

I ignored Isshin and rolled over on my side to face the wall.

**Wednesday 20th April**

In Las Noches, there was a tree.

It had white bark, long spindly branches and had stood in the middle of the recreation ground for as long as anyone could remember. There was a tall, spiked fence surrounding it, protecting it from people like me.

I was eleven and angry, although I can't remember why. It probably wasn't anything important.

But I thought the tree looked stupid. It was just a dumb-ass, piece-of-shit, shrubbery.

People didn't dare touch it because there was a legend that every hundred years it would bloom pink blossoms.

_Bullshit_, I thought.

I cut myself all over in my attempt to climb the fence, tearing my skin on the metal spikes.

I was face to face with it. It was kind of intimidating. But that just pissed me off even more.

I kicked it. Smashed it with my foot. Picked up a stone. Hacked at the trunk.

I don't know what I was trying to do, I just needed to destroy it.

But the tree was hollow. Beneath the bark there was nothing.

It was dead.

It probably had been for years.

A few days after I vandalised it, it was dug up and taken away. I regretted everything. I'd destroyed something precious. I did it out of spite, for no good reason.

I wonder who will come along and expose what's really inside of me. Who will crack me open like I did to the trunk of that tree?

But I have a nasty feeling I'd be just as empty and dead.

Or maybe I'd just be ugly.

Ugly emptiness.

**Friday 22st April**

People left me alone for a few days. I don't think anyone knew what to do exactly. That was fine with me. I didn't want to see anyone.

But five days after my enforced solitude, I had a visitor.

"Hey best friend."

He took the seat by my bed and reclined in it, resting his hands on his abdomen and looking at me blankly.

I don't think I'll ever really know what Ulquiorra is thinking. The things that come out of his mouth don't match his expression at all. I'm sure he has feelings as much as the next person, but he hides behind a mask of indifference and a disturbingly dry sense of humour. But at the same time, everything he says comes across as entirely serious.

He just doesn't make sense.

"What the fuck do you want?"

"Oh." Ulquiorra shrugged. "Nothing much."

But I noticed the steely glint in his eyes which betrayed his words entirely.

"Liar." I said. I might not understand him, but there are clues that give him away.

"So." Ulquiorra ignored me. "I hear your sulking."

"I hear you need to die." I spat.

Then something very satisfying happened. Ulquiorra's gaze got a few degree's cooler. His jaw clenched.

_Good. I'm pissing him off. _

"Grow up, Grimmjow."

My smug feeling was gone in the blink of an eye. The way he said it made me feel pathetic. I felt two inches tall.

"I hate you." I told him, my voice oddly shrill. I sounded a little hysterical. "Get out before I rip you apart!"

Ulquiorra stood swiftly and I flinched slightly at the sudden movement. He went to leave the room but paused at the door.

I saw the slight curl of his lip, but it wasn't a smile. I should have known he'd try and provoke me.

"I understand you're mother's not here, but that's no excuse to be a bastard for the rest of your life."

It was as if a bucket of ice cold water has suddenly been dropped on my head. I blinked in shock.

But Ulquiorra was already gone.

Then something molten and uncontrollable was rising from the pit of my stomach.

Blind rage tore through my every nerve ending.

My vision was drowned in shades of red and there was no room for thoughts or feelings except for the all-consuming madness of anger.

"WHAT DO YOU FUCKING KNOW?" I roared at the top of my lungs. I tore after him through the house.

I kicked open the front door and caught up with Ulquiorra in the street, slamming him bodily to the tarmac and knocking the wind right out of him. His face collapsed in surprise. The satisfaction I got made me feel sick.

_What are you doing?_

But then my brain was screaming at me to _hithurtbreak_ him and I didn't know anything anymore.

I straddled his stomach and clenched his shirt in my left hand, pulling my right one back in a fist and plowing it into his jaw. Ulquiorra made a pained noise in the back of his throat.

He squirmed and tried to twist away, to kick me off, to stop me hitting him, but I twisted my fist so tightly into his shirt he couldn't move.

I snapped my arm downwards over and over.

But something inside of him snapped. His shirt ripped and I was thrown off him onto my back.

He held my arms by my sides and knelt on my legs and I just glared up at him and _screamed_.

"You fucking bastard! Go and fucking _die_! You have no idea, no idea at all-!"

_...how much it hurts, how guilty I feel, how much I miss her..._

"I HATE you! Get _off_! You don't know _anything_!"

The he spoke. It was almost a whisper, hushed, quiet.

"Tell me. Let me help you."

His words cut through everything.

"Isn't that what best friends are for?"

Then I'm burying my head in the tarmac and crying so hard it feels like my head is about to split in two. Ulquiorra let me go and we sat in the road and he said nothing.

I've cried before, but this felt _real_. My tears were so thick and hot and my nose was running and my hands were shaking. I really didn't hold anything back.

"You're so stupid." I told him afterwards. "People don't do that. They don't force their friendship on a stranger, someone they don't even know. You don't owe me anything."

Ulquiorra didn't say anything. It didn't even appear like he was listening.

I scowled and felt my temper rise, but then I wondered.

_Does he even need a reason? _

Maybe he saw me, felt like being friendly and it really is as simple as that.

Ulquiorra might not make much sense, but I'm beginning to see what Nel sees in him.

He's kind.

We sat on the curb for a while and just talked. About everything and nothing. My head still hurt from crying but Ulquiorra just carried on the conversation like normal until I stopped sniffing and my hiccups died down.

Then Nel pulled up and parked a short way away in her green fiesta. She smiled at me tentatively from the front seat. I gave her a sheepish look and her smile stretched into a grin.

"Thanks." I said, turning to Ulquiorra.

He stretched out his hand and ruffled my hair.

"You're welcome." He told me.

Then he climbed in next to Nel and they drove away.

Ichigo was stood in the doorway when I turned to go back in the house. He looked relieved.

I realised I hadn't spoken to him in nearly five days and I hadn't touched him in even longer. My fingers itched to feel his skin beneath them. I bit my lip.

"I'm sorry." I said, my voice cracking slightly.

In the end, Ichigo didn't say anything.

He just held his arms out for me to collapse into and I held on for dear life.

He is the warmest, softest, safest thing I've ever had.

And just like that, the shattered fragments inside of me began to stick themselves back together.

Not in the right order, a lot of them weren't even there anymore, but still.

It felt like a start.


	15. Week 11

_For TPP who has been most patient and supportive! Thank you!_

**Sunday 24****th**** April **

**(It's been a long day)**

After another day and night at Ichigo's, I decided it was time to get a fucking grip.

Zaraki and Yachiru welcomed me into their house with open arms. I wasn't sure when it was all sorted out, but Zaraki said that he was my guardian now.

Yachiru told me that I had to call him Ken-chan.

Zaraki said that if I did, he would set me on fire and push me out of a window.

Yachiru said that if I didn't she would pee on Zaraki's favorite arm chair.

The matter was quickly resolved.

Ken-chan was not a happy chappy.

But it's such a relief. I have something else to think about. Something to distract myself with. The new smells and routine and the dynamics of the house. I fit in quite well most of the time. Yachiru filled me in on everything, acting like my big sister rather than a younger one.

The night time is a different matter. Lying here with nothing to occupy my thoughts, I can't help but think of her, my mind racing a mile a minute with the same four words.

_Where did she go?_

I have no idea. I have no clues. Nothing.

I feel stupid. Like I've failed some test I didn't know about. I'm sure I should know where she's disappeared to. I'm her son. Her only family. I should know…

But I don't.

So I let myself dream; trying to imagine every possible scenario. Perhaps I'll stumble across something.

But my dreams are useless. Vivid. Painful.

One minute I see her lying in a ditch, the next she's holding me against her and stroking my back like she did when I was small…

I wake up cold, sweaty, and alone.

I pulled myself from my sticky bed covers, glancing at the clock.

Half six in the evening. I have no idea what day it is.

I went for a wonder. I almost walked back to my flat twice before I remembered there was nothing there for me anymore.

Suddenly Stark was walking towards me down the pavement, gripping some shopping and a bottle of milk under his arm.

He raised his eyebrows.

"You look like shit." He told me.

"Yeah." I shrugged, not denying it. I left the house without brushing my hair or washing my face, or even really thinking about what clothes I put on. I look down.

I'm wearing my red sexta jacket I bought weeks ago. When I first met Ichigo in town.

Starrk set his bags and his milk bottle down on the floor. Reaching into his jeans pocket, he pulled out a packet of cigarettes. He lit one and took a long drag. He leant a hip against the low wall next to the pavement and gestured for me to come closer. I did so, expecting him to offer me a toke, but instead he slung an arm around my shoulders and pulled me to his side. I barely reached his chest.

He didn't let me go until he smoked his cigarette right down to the butt.

When he was done, he flicked it into the gutter and ruffled my hair, much like Ulquiorra had done.

I felt so young.

"Just booked my ticket." He told me. "For Australia. I leave in six months."

I had an uncomfortable lump in my throat and I glared at my shoes so he wouldn't see.

"Write to me?" He asked.

My head snapped up.

I thought of how easily the words come to me when I write this diary.

_Finally, something I can actually do!_

"Ok!" My voice came out more eager than I'd intended and Starrk laughed, bending to pick up his bags and milk.

"Brilliant. Talk to you later, then." He flashed me a smile over his shoulder as he walked away.

I ended up at Ichigo's after that. A small black haired girl answered the door when I knocked.

"Karin." I said, recognising her from Ichigo's descriptions .

"S'up." She nodded at me and stepped aside to let me in. She watched me carefully as I took off my shoes. "So," She began conversationally. "You're the one fucking my brother?"

I straightened up and smirked at her.

"Sure am."

She held a hand out to me and I looked at it stupidly for a second.

"Shake it, then. I'm thanking you." I raised my eyebrows at her and she sighed. "For as long as you've had your dick up his ass, he's stopped prying into my business. Its made my life much easier."

I reached out to touch her hand when she suddenly yanked me down to her eye-level.

"So if you break up with him, rest assured. I will hunt you down and mount your head on the wall."

I thought of the mounted moose head in Ulquiorra and Starrks apartment and tried to swallow.

"Understood."

For some reason I don't want to mess with her.

One things for sure, Ichigo's iron grip runs in the family. I'd hate to be on the receiving end of one of her punches.

She seemed satisfied with my answer and released me.

"Ichi-nii is in the shower but he shouldn't be much longer. There's juice in the fridge and a pot of chili on the stove, so help yourself. I'm staying with a friend tonight. See ya, bitch face."

Then she was gone, slinging a bag over her shoulder and fucking off up the street. Wow. How old is she? She couldn't be older than 13, but she had the confidence of a super model and the strength of a bear.

_Hang on one fucking second._

Rewind.

"_Ichi-nii is in the shower"_

I suddenly felt compelled to ambush him.

I climbed the stairs as quietly as I could, trying to smother my glee and guffawing into my shirt sleeve - while internally laughing like a vampire.

MWAAA AH AH AH AH!

Oh I do crack myself up sometimes.

I could hear the shower water running and the occasional squeak as Ichigo moved around. I stood facing the bathroom door.

I eased it open and slipped inside. I could clearly make out the naked silouette of Ichigo standing behind the transparent shower curtain. I got a flashback of the film _Psycho_ and accidentally snorted.

Ichigo turned towards me and screamed. I jumped in surprise and got my feet tangled in a towel. I hit the floor like a falling tree.

"GRIMMJOW?"

Ichigo saw me lying on the floor and rushed over to help (or possibly smack the shit out of me) but he slipped fell into the shower curtain, ripping it from the curtain rail and landing on top of me bodily, limbs flailing like mad as he tried to stop himself.

He knocked the wind right out of me and I lay there sort of paralised, wondering how this had all back fired so badly.

Ichigo, meanwhile, had rolled off me and was trying to disentangle himself from the shower curtain, which was sticking to his skin.

Minutes later, when I was sure my rubs hadn't been crushed, I sat up… only to find Ichigo still trapped in the shower curtain.

Then I laughed like I hadn't laughed in months because he looked just like a used condom.

I told him so and he just stared at me for a few seconds until he snorted violently and we both just cracked up on the wet, cold tiled floor laughing at the ridiculousness of _everything_.

I laughed until I couldn't laugh anymore, I laughed until tears rolled down my cheeks and my voice went hoarse.

"Grimmjow."

Ichigo said my name and a hand he'd managed to free came up to cup my cheek. His eyes were so soft and kind that I couldnt stop the few stray tears that escaped, but I wasn't sad. How could I be with Ichigo right here next to me? His thumb swiped a tear away and his smile fell.

I rolled us over until I was leaning over him and as I began to slowly unpeel the transparent plastic sheet from his damp skin. It was bazaar but strangely sensual.

Finally I had Ichigo naked and I couldn't drink but grin down at his body as I drank him in. Ichigo smirked and flushed. He pulled me down for a kiss and my head span as he gripped me close and tried to eat my face off. I laughed as he bit my bottom lip and did what can only be described as _glomp me_.

We rolled around on that bathroom floor for ages, eating each other up. There was no finess to any of it, we just touched and bit and licked as much of each other as we could.

It wasn't until I felt Ichigo's erection against my thigh and his hot breath in my ear and his cool hands under my shirt that I realised I wanted _more_…

My fingers found his wrists and stilled his hands. He stopped trying to kiss me and looked at me carefully.

The words stuck in my throat and Ichigo beat me to it.

"Do you want to come to my bedroom?"

I could only nod.

I don't remember how we got to it but suddenly we were there.

Ichigo was lying on the bed with his legs spread, shivering slightly and I was bracing myself over him with one hand, the other had two fingers buried inside of him.

It was really, really warm. And wet. And tight. My mouth watered a little at the thought of putting my dick inside there.

I curled my two digits upwards as Ichigo was instructing me to do by whispering into my ear.

There were a few moments where I fumbled around, feeling stupid and inexperienced and not really knowing what I was looking for, but then Ichigo's entire body spasmed and he gasped like he'd just been slapped.

I grinned.

The next time I did it again, but harder.

Ichigo's hips bucked upwards violently, then sank slowly back onto my fingers. He did this once or twice, just riding my digits until I pushed them in deeper and harder and he reached up to roll a nipple between his fingers moaning loudly.

"Fuck, oh fuck, oh _FUCK_… Mmm… _Ah_! Grimmjow! Fuck, oh _God_…!"

Hid dick stood out against his pelvis, dripping pre-cum onto his belly and hips, sweat was pooling on his stomach and collar bone and other crevices. I leant over him to lick some off and then kissed my way up to his sensitive ears.

"You're gonna cum."

"Yes, oh yes… I am, I am…"

It was obscene, but I fucked Ichigo with my fingers until his gasps got higher and higher. Finally he cracked with a long drawn out wail, thick ropes of cum jumping onto his stomach.

He took a few moments to recover, shuddering and moaning still, and clutching the edge of the mattress with white knuckles.

I collapsed on top of him, breathing heavily, my heart thundering in my rib cage and my dick throbbing in my boxers. Ichigo's cum felt cool against my skin and I peeled myself off him and looked down. I was covered in it. I laughed and picked my shirt off the floor, wiping us both down.

Ichigo seemed to come back to himself after that and his eyes caught mine and held me there. Again, he beat me to it.

"Put this on."

He pressed a small square packet into my sticky hand.

It was a condom.

"Ok." My voice nearly cracked. I tore the wrappings and rolled the rubber down my shaft. Ichigo leant back and watched me with brown eyes that were a storm of different emotions. It occurred to me then that he was probably even more nervous than me even though I was the virgin.

I wiped some of the cum off his stomach and rubbed it onto my dick even though there was enough lube inside Ichigo already. I just had to do this right.

I aligned myself with him and pressed forwards a fraction, before pausing.

"I'm not going to last." I whispered, my voice small and strained.

"I know, its ok. Just fuck me Grimmjow, please. I need to feel you."

Ichigo sounded so desperate and the lust was there but so was something else. It stuck down my spine and made my heart ache.

_On my first day, I noticed the way he looked at me. Ichigo was frowning. Frowning at the injustice of the situation, perhaps; at how everyone laughed at me. But there was something intense and unnerving lurking beneath the surface of his gaze. _

_For a moment I forgot where I was. _

_I got lost in his eyes. _

_I got lost in him. _

_A small subconscious part of must have known I'd already fallen, because the next thing I knew, I was ripping the room apart._

_I've fought against it all along, against the world, against him, against myself. _

"Whats wrong?" Ichigo looked at me with fear in his eyes, his voice small and terrified, as if I'd suddenly realized this wasn't what I wanted after all.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.

After dragging Ichigo to hell and back because of my mistakes, after all the terrible things that have happened to us, after he mended me when I thought I was beyond repair…

I wanted, more than anything, for that one single moment to be perfect.

"Ichigo, I love you."

Ichigo's hands threaded into my hair and he pulled my forehead to rest against his own. He closed his eyes and just held me there.

"Thank you."

It was hot and weird and quick, but so incredibly erotic.

I closed my eyes and pressed forwards until I felt the tight sleeve suck me in entirely.

We lay there for what felt like an age, just looking at each other and reveling in how close we felt. It was intense and a little scary but I reminded myself that it was ok to feel this way.

I didn't fight it.

Instead, I let it sweep me away.

"Ichigo."

He didnt reply, not that expected him to, and he just breathed heavily against my shoulder. Then he rolled his hips and groaned.

"_Ichigo."_

I pressed against him harder and then pulled out almost entirely, before pushing all the way back in.

I was holding onto his hip as hard as I could and I knew I shouldn't have been so rough but all I could think was-

_Ichigo, Ichigo, Ichigo._

I thrust my hips again and again and again and it became clear to me that I wasn't going to last long at all, not like this.

Not when Ichigo started making high pitched keening noises, and biting the skin skin between my shoulder and neck. Not when he felt so tight and slippery around me, and not when he felt so right in my arms as I pressed him into the mattress.

The bed was shaking but I couldn't stop. My whole body was twitching and tensing, meanwhile Ichigo was clinging onto me, his hot breath ghosting over my skin.

Filth was pouring from my mouth but I have no idea what I was saying. Swearing, cursing, loving, hating. I was loosing my mind.

I couldn't stop my orgasm, all I was aware of was Ichigo's hands on my ass holding me there. I cried out brokenly, over and over, it seemed to go on for an eternity.

Pins. Needles. Quivering. Sweat.

"_Ichigo_…"

* * *

We were lying on our stomachs on Ichigo's living room floor, wrapped in a blanket. Ichigo was flicking through the TV channels for something to watch but he ended up snuggled into my side and watching me graffiti an old magazine.

He smiled at something.

"I like your writing, Grimmjow."

I paused and looked at the words I'd just written. It was unrecognizable from my old illegible chicken scratch.

My new letters are big and bold and jagged.

I like it.

"Hmm. I write a diary." I confessed. "I guess my writing has gotten better coz I write in it all the time."

Ichigo raised his eyebrows.

"What's that face for? A sensitive soul like me has to vent, you know."

Ichigo laughed and leaned his head against my shoulder.

"Can I read it?"

I thought about it, but before I could answer he changed his mind.

"Actually, you don't have to show me if you don't want to. But can I write an entry? Just on a bit of paper or something, and you can slip it in the back?"

I smiled.

"Yeah, I like that idea."

_**Now there's just an epilogue or two to come :)**_

**ALSO! Sorry about dropping off the face of the earth for an age! Lots of shit happened. I broke my wrist and got two new front teeth thanks to a special friend who shall be known only as Mr 39% alcohol. Sigh. **

**But I'm home for the (wet, british) summer, in the (wet, british) countryside where there is nothing to do but write about men getting it on with each other. Good times. **

**So expect updates for most of my stories! :D **


	16. Epilogue

A young boy with a head of blue hair walks along the path that follows the river through Karakura. He takes his time, stepping so as to avoid the cracks in the concrete beneath his feet.

He has headphones plugged in and is unconsciously mumbling the words to a song, his hands stuffed into the pockets of his vivid red jacket.

The weather has been unusually damp considering it's the middle of summer and the ground is still wet from a fresh rain shower.

Grimmjow stops walking, his daydream ending as the song finishes. He pulls out a glossy new ipod from his jeans pocket and flicks through the various artists until he finds the new song he's looking for.

But before he hits play, he looks up, and realises where he is.

After spending most of the weekend trapped inside because of the rain, as soon as the skies cleared, he turned up his music, stepped out of the front door, and let his feet lead him.

And they took him here, to where he first sat all those months ago, alone on the riverbank.

He steps off the path and onto the grass, sitting in what he assumes is roughly the same place as the last time. But instead of curling in on himself and fighting tears like he'd once done, he looks around himself.

The recent rain has left a glossy sheen of water on the surface of the world and it looks different as it catches the sunlight. Everything is polished like marble, tiny beads of dew cling to the grass like tears.

Grimmjow doesn't think he's changed all that much, really. He'd still look after his mother even if he knew then what he knows now. Because every minute of life is time you wont get back.

He's aware that what he did was stupid and a little selfish, but he also knows that she was, is, and always will be - the only mother he will ever have.

And when time is so valuable, every moment matters. He's glad to have spent most of it on her.

But for now she's gone, and it still hurts, still throbs like a wound in his chest that no one can see. Sometimes, when he cant sleep, he imagines he can smell it.

The rotting skin, the gangrene, the metallic scent of his blood - his chest cavity filling with puss.

At least to Grimmjow, that's what it feels like. An agony he can't escape.

Ichigo is the only thing that sooths it, the only person who takes the edge off the burn, and sometimes that frightens him.

_Is it healthy to need someone this badly?_

Probably not.

But there is more to come.

More time to work out the details, more chances to figure shit out.

Grimmjow stands up and presses 'play'. The music starts up again and he makes his way back to the concrete path.

He's decided he wants more. He wants to keep going.

That's how life is for everyone.

It's unresolved.

**This whole story is for TPP, a babe indeed!**

**Sequels and other stories are in the works, but updates will be slow as fuck because life is being a boobie.**


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